Striving for Perfection
by savetoniqht
Summary: Just how far will Casey go to reach "perfection?" Warning: Contains eating disorder related themes-may trigger.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning:** Eating disorder related—may trigger.

**Disclaimed:** Still don't own them.

Casey's thoughts are italics… and they're only her thoughts, so I'm not going to say "Casey thought" etc. after each thought.

I'm still writing my other story too.

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Precinct 

**1:13 p.m.**

"Warrant!" Casey Novak announced, panting as she hustled into the precinct. All four detectives turned to look up at her as she ran in. She had been successful at hiding her plummeting weight thus far, but the detectives had noticed her increased fatigue; after all, they were detectives.

"Are you okay, Case?" Elliot asked with a concerned look as she dropped the warrant on his disk and slid into the chair facing him.

"Yeah, I just ran up here, I'm fine." She answered, still panting and fighting for an easy breath. In all honesty she had only run up the stairs, but her body was so exhausted it could barely handle that.

"Call me crazy, but why didn't you take the elevator?" Munch asked.

Casey scowled. "Elevators require no work. Stairs are better for your health. If you go up the stairs five times a day every day, it adds up," she explained. "Now go! Search!"

Cragen stepped out of the office once he heard the conversation. "Elliot, Olivia, go search the house. Munch and Fin, you go question the witness again. See if you can get anything else out of her. Casey, can I talk to you for a moment?"

The detectives exchanged worried glances as they prepared to tend to their assigned jobs, then left.

"What's up, Captain?" Casey asked as she shut the door to Cragen's office behind her.

"Is everything okay, Casey? You seem a little… tired," he asked, his voice full of concern.

"Oh yeah, no definitely, I'm perfectly fine. It's just been a hectic week! You know, it's a big case. I'm just looking forward to getting some sleep, but everything's good, I promise. Thanks though—is that all?"

She started to walk out without waiting for a reply as she left the precinct. Cragen sighed as he watched her slender frame slip through the door.

_Shit, Casey, you're really screwing up. You need to step it up **now.**_ She sighed as she continued down the stairs.

---

**Elliot's Car**

**1:24 p.m.**

Elliot and Olivia drove to the house in silence. It was about thirty minutes away, and Olivia decided to try and take advantage of it and get some much-needed rest.

"So… do you know what's up with Casey? You know, she's been… weird lately I guess." Elliot inquired, disregarding the fact that Olivia's eyes were clearly squeezed shut.

Olivia blinked open her eyes, annoyed by the interruption, but glad that the others noticed. "I don't know, El. She's probably overworking herself as usual, you know her. She has been sort of distant lately. She hasn't wanted to go out in a while…"

"You should talk to her. Just look out for her, and make sure she takes it easy, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. I'll go see her today," Olivia confirmed before closing her eyes once again and turning to the other side, hoping Elliot would take a hint.

---

**Casey's Office**

**3:07 p.m.**

Olivia knocked on the door to her best friend's office holding coffees and bagels from their favorite little shop down the street.

"Come in," she heard Casey yell from inside. She pushed the door open to find a sweaty, worn out Casey in her running clothes and shoes. She looked at her curiously for a couple seconds; she was almost certain that Casey had just gone running that morning, and she couldn't figure out why she would have gone running again.

"Can you close the door? I have to change," Casey explained. Olivia nodded and pulled the door shut behind her.

"I brought stuff," she informed her as she held up the coffee and bags, which obviously contained the bagels.

"Thanks Liv, that was sweet, but I just had my lunch break. I'm already full, I had a huge lunch… thank you though! Maybe I'll save it for later?"

Olivia took a sharp breath in and gasped as Casey pulled off her loose-fitting running shirt. Once Casey had taken off the big tee shirt, she revealed a form-fitting tank top and her emaciated figure under it. At that moment Olivia finally realized that Casey had only been wearing loose-fitting clothes lately, and Olivia hadn't thought anything of it. She watched the frail ADA in horror as she could count every rib and bone through Casey's shirt. Her arms were practically sticks, and there was not an ounce of fat on her body.

_Shit! I should have waited until she left, I forgot this tank top was so tight. She's going to be so disgusted. Nice work, Casey. Really great._

"So, did you find me anything that will hold up in court?" Casey asked, desperately trying to make Liv forget the sight that Casey had just revealed. She was ashamed and hoped Olivia hadn't noticed anything.

Olivia was still stunned by it, however, and Casey's attempts were unsuccessful. She stood there staring at Casey, not believing how she could have not noticed for this long. Casey had lost so much weight that it had to have been happening for a while.

"Are you dieting?" Olivia asked her with a blank look, although she obviously already knew the answer. Casey had always been thin to begin with, but she could not believe what she was seeing.

Casey shrugged. "Just watching what I eat, you know? I want to stay healthy," She explained. Olivia nodded. Unsure of how to approach the situation, she chose to answer Casey's previous question about the search instead, much to Casey's satisfaction.

"We found bloody clothes in the house. He didn't even bother to wash them, hide them or anything. They were just sitting there in plain view… um, I have to go," Olivia said as she rushed out the door. She had no idea what to do—was she just overreacting?

Casey sighed as she watched her friend leave. _Great, she doesn't even want to be with you now, Casey She's disgusted._ Casey sat back down at her desk and cradled her head in her hands. She sat wiping away the tears right as they formed, before they could slide down her flush cheeks.

---

**Casey's Apartment**

**10:38 p.m.**

Casey stood undressed in front of her full-length bathroom mirror. She had just come out of a steaming hot 20-minute shower, and was doing her daily ritual of inspecting herself in the mirror and criticizing anything she could find.

_Shit, look at all this. This is disgusting. I need to work on my arms as soon as possible, and my stomach. Oh god, my thighs are massive. This is so unfair, I haven't eaten and I'm miserable, and I'm still so fat. I can't believe this. This is bull!_

She stood in front of her mirror for nearly an hour, picking at every imaginary ounce of fat on her frail body. Finally she slid down the wall behind her and let the tears that were threatening her dignity stream down her face, unable to fight it anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

I know that I just posted the first chapter of this story just a couple of hours ago… this is a story I'm writing as much for myself as anyone else, I guess… it helps me. I don't see why anyone would mind, but… yeah.

Also, thank you so much for the reviews—especially the ones with suggestions. I really appreciate them! Keep them coming! I agree with a lot of the reviews by the way. Especially the one about Olivia—she definitely should have left, but people often don't know what to do in such situations, which just makes it harder for everyone. Keep reviewing:)

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**Casey's Apartment**

**6:30 a.m. the Next Morning**

Casey slammed the snooze button on her shrieking alarm clock, refusing to get out of bed; she was so exhausted she could barely move.

Ten minutes later her alarm clock screeched again. She slammed it with her fist, picked it up and hurled it across the room. It slammed into the wall as it broke apart.

"Shit." She muttered, standing up but taking all of the bedding with her. She was shivering to the point where she was almost shaking violently, although it was not too cold out. She dragged herself over to her closet and stood in front of it, examining every outfit.

It had become a lot easier to find looser clothes now. At first she had to purposely find clothing that would not show off her figure, but as she continued to drop the weight all of her clothes began to fit the same anyway.

_As long as no one has to see me._

She quickly changed into an unflatteringly loose-fitting suit, brushed her hair and her teeth, and grabbed a water bottle. As she left she threw on a sweater, a hoodie, and her winter coat along with gloves, a hat and scarf.

She then set out to walk to work, covered in all of her layers. Usually she would ride her bike, but walking was not as tiring and it was still good exercise. Also, biking made her gain muscle mass, which just increased her weight and the size of her legs.

As she was walking a car pulled up next to her, which she recognized as Elliot's.

"Case, come on I'll give you a ride," he called as he rolled down his window. He leaned over and opened the passenger side door for her. She smiled as she shook her head and closed the door.

"No thanks, El. I'm not heading to the precinct so I'd be out of your way. Besides, I want to walk. Thank you though," she answered as she continued walking. Elliot slowly glided along with her at her pace.

"Novak, get in the car. I'm not just going to drive by as you're walking a million miles to your office!" he argued.

Casey calmly stopped walking and towards to the car. "Elliot, I told you already, I don't want a ride. I want to walk to work, and that is my decision, so please just leave me alone!" she demanded as she picked up her pace; there was no way she could argue that she was not extremely irritable.

Elliot just sat for a moment in shock—he had never heard Casey Novak speak like that before, and especially not to him. He parked his car on the side of the rode and ran to catch up with her. He grabbed her arm once he reached her, but she immediately pulled away.

"Stop it, Elliot! I already told you I don't want a god damn ride, just leave me alone!" she said viciously. Elliot just grabbed her tiny wrist and pulled her towards him.

"Casey, what is wrong with you? This isn't you, what is going on?" he asked, his voice half anger and half worry. The look that she gave him with her piercing green eyes was enough to stop anybody dead in their tracks. He had never seen her—or anyone—look this threateningly angry before, and he had no idea what to do. She forcefully pulled her wrist out of his grasp, and with another look continued on.

He stood for a little while on the sidewalk, still in shock, before he picked up his phone and dialed Olivia's number.

"Benson." She answered on the first ring.

"Liv, did you ever talk to Casey yesterday?" he asked her right away.

"Kind of…" she began.

"And…? Liv she's being so weird. I don't know what's up with her. I just tried to offer her a ride to work and she just snapped and went crazy. What happened?"

"I don't know, she wouldn't say too much. She may be acting really weird right now, but it's still Casey, and she'd never admit her problems. Have you noticed how thin she's gotten, though?" she asked.

"It's Casey, she's always been thin," he reminded her.

"No kidding, El, I'd kill for her body before, but now…"

"What do you mean? She's small, yeah…" Elliot started. Olivia sighed—leave it to the guys to not notice anything.

"Nevermind, Elliot. I'll ask her to meet me for lunch today. Actually, you want to come too?" she asked him.

"Okay, but you call her, because I'm not getting into that again," he warned as he hung up the phone.

---

**8:49 a.m.**

Since Olivia's phone conversation with Elliot that morning, nothing had really been going on. Things were slow at the precinct, and they hadn't needed anything from Casey so no one had seen her. Picking up the phone on her desk, she dialed Casey's work number.

"Novak," she barked as she answered.

"Hey, Case, it's Liv. Let's do lunch today. Meet me here at 1:00?" Olivia offered. There was silence on the other end, and Olivia could hear Casey tapping her nails on her desk. This was her nervous habit, and Olivia knew that.

_I can't say no to lunch, she's already suspicious. She just wouldn't get it… regular dieting doesn't work, this is the only way and I have to do it. She's already perfect, she doesn't have to worry about it._

"Okay, sure. 1:00, see you then," Casey responded as she hung up the phone. Olivia smiled, already feeling better; maybe she had seen wrong. 'It could have been a bad angle or something' she convinced herself, hoping for the best.

---

A couple of hours later Casey arrived at the station. She made hardly any noise as she entered, and nobody even realized her presence until she announced it to Olivia.

"Ready?" she asked Olivia as she approached her friend's desk.

"Jesus, Casey you scared me. I didn't even hear you come in!" as soon as Olivia spoke the other detectives noticed and greeted her. Fin stood up to give her a hug, and she uncomfortably hugged him back. He took another look at her as he pulled away, and Olivia couldn't help but wonder if he noticed the same thing that she did.

"Is it all right if Elliot comes too?" Olivia asked Casey as they started to walk out.

"Yeah, whatever," Casey answered. Olivia called Elliot to tell him where to meet them since he had been running an errand, and then they continued on their way. Olivia looked over at Casey to see the frail woman, who had been so full of light, shivering uncontrollably. Olivia looked down at her own ensemble, which consisted of just one coat on top of her clothes, and immediately began to worry again since she was barely cold.

She took her jacket off and put it around Casey, who just looked at her with a confused look on her face.

"What are you doing? I have warmer clothes than you do already. You're going to be freezing!" Casey argued.

"I'm not that cold, Casey. You're shivering… just take it, really," Olivia assured her. Casey was too cold to argue, so she just gratefully accepted the jacket as they walked on.

---

When they arrived at the restaurant, Elliot already had a booth waiting for them with three cups of steaming hot coffee. Casey peered down into what used to be the thing she could not get through the day without, but that she now just thought of as calories.

When the waiter came to take their orders, Casey just listened to what Olivia was getting and got it as well. Olivia smiled when she heard Casey order food rather than just protesting. They kept the light conversation running smoothly until the food arrived.

_I hate going out to meals. I hate eating in front of other people. I know they're just staring at me wondering why I'm so fat, but then they want to force me to eat? I don't understand it, I really don't._ She looked up to see two pairs of eyes staring at her. Panicking, she stared back down at her own food. _Crap, okay Casey, relax and just take a bite. You can get rid of it later._

She ate a relatively good amount of her meal before she proclaimed herself finished. She knew Olivia was smiling, and she was glad enough to have her off her case. She wasn't sure if Elliot had any clue what was happening, but she wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't even noticed that she dyed her hair.

"I'll be right back, okay? I just have to take care of something," Casey said as she left her seat and walked to the bathroom. Olivia and Elliot exchanged glances as they watched her go into the bathroom.

Elliot, finally catching on, whispered to Olivia, "go," and Olivia followed her.

Casey squatted in front of the toilet seat, holding her hair back as she emptied the contents of her stomach.

_Shit, I need to get more out. I can't believe how much I just ate! I'm disgusting. All of my hard work was officially just ruined. Thanks a lot, Liv._

As Casey continued to heave until she could not get anything out of her system, Olivia stood silently in the corner, listening and trying to keep tears from falling. She couldn't help but to blame herself, wondering how she could have not noticed this happening.

Casey stepped out of the stall and walked over to the sink. She rinsed off her face and her mouth. She then stood facing the inside wall of the bathroom as she pulled up her shirt to inspect, since to her knowledge there was no one else in there.

She and Olivia both cringed as Casey revealed her bare skin, but for entirely different reasons. Casey couldn't help but nearly gag in disgust over the way she looked, while Olivia could hardly bear to see her best friend in so much pain. As Casey turned to inspect from the other side, she locked eyes with Olivia.

She gasped and let her shirt drop, trying to remain calm as her mind started racing.

"Liv…" she whispered. "How long have you been standing here?" she asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"Long enough, Casey." Olivia answered. She sounded like a concerned parent who had just discovered their children's condition, but her voice quivered with worry as she spoke.

The two stood in silence for a couple awkward seconds before Casey came up with an idea.

"I'm getting help, Liv, don't worry about it. Really, I'm taking care of it," she explained as calmly as she could.

"You're getting help, Casey? You promise?" Olivia questioned, not sure whether or not she believed her friend.

"Yes, I promise you Liv. I'm taking care of it, so don't worry," Casey assured her, and Olivia smiled. Of course Olivia would still worry, but at least now she knew that Casey was getting help. She reached over to give Casey a hug, but she cringed once again feeling Casey's body against hers. She let go of the fragile woman with a sigh, but she left the bathroom feeling much better knowing that Casey was already getting help.

_She doesn't have to know the only help I'm getting is my own..._


	3. Chapter 3

Death Makes an Artist: Thank you so much for all of your suggestions, they were a **huge** help! The idea for this chapter is all thanks to you. :)

I know this chapter was not at all eventful or exciting. I'm not a big fan, but I thought it was necessary. Hopefully the next chapters will be better, so try not to give up on it yet? Thank you, and keep reviewing please:)

And yeah, I know, three times updating ine one day, I'm crazy. It's pretty therapeutic, actually.

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"Warrant!" Casey announced as she rushed into the precinct. She threw it on Olivia's desk, then turned around and rushed back out the door as quickly as she had come in; she had to be in court soon. The detectives just exchanged puzzled glances as they watched race out of the room.

Casey continued to rush back to her office to prepare until she heard Olivia calling her name from behind her. She stopped at the sound of her name being called and she turned around to face Olivia.

"Hey, what was that?" Olivia asked. "Why were you were in such a rush to get out of there?"

Casey's head was pounding and she felt as if the world were spinning around her as she stood on her feet. She heard Olivia speaking to her, but she couldn't focus on her face. She managed to sway on her feet for a couple seconds, trying to gain control of her body. Finally darkness came upon her as she passed into unconsciousness.

"Casey!" Olivia exclaimed as she caught the weightless, limp body in her arms. "Casey? Casey, wake up! Elliot! Munch, Fin? Someone?" she yelled, hoping one of the detectives could hear her from the other room.

Elliot was the first one to hear the commotion in the hallway. Fin, Munch and he all ran over to see what was happening. They stopped dead in their tracks as they saw Olivia standing in front of them with their ADA's unconscious body in her arms. Elliot grabbed his phone and called for a bus as they waited for her to wake up.

Olivia could not say a word. She could only stare down at her best friend's seemingly lifeless body in shock. She knew that Casey would be fine—well, that she would wake up—but it was her nature to worry.

Casey was her best friend, and it killed Olivia to think about how much pain Casey was in. She picked up Casey's feather-light body and carried her away from the middle of the hall. She was so lost in thought that when Elliot reached out to tap her on the soulder to get her attention, she was so startled she nearly dropped Casey; thankfully, however, Elliot was right next to Olivia to support her.

"Jesus, Liv, be careful! I was talking to you. Here, give her to me, we'll bring her downstairs for them," Elliot said to her once he had her attention. Olivia absent-mindedly placed Casey in Elliot's firm arms.

As Elliot adjusted his hold on Casey, he and Olivia rushed to the elevators. Fin and Munch returned to their desks once Elliot and Olivia assured them that Casey would be fine and that they would call the two of them as soon as anything happened.

Olivia and Elliot, who was carrying Casey, made it outside just as they heard the sirens pulling up in front of the station. The paramedics came out and helped lift Casey into the ambulance. It was clear to everyone that Casey's life was not in danger at all, but the paramedics knew immediately that she was severely dehydrated and suffering from malnutrition.

"You want to ride with her, or should I?" Elliot asked Olivia. Olivia just climbed in the back of the ambulance without saying a word.

---

"Is she going to be okay?" Olivia asked the paramedic in the back of the ambulance as he took down as much of Casey's information as Olivia knew.

"Of course, she's going to be fine. She'll wake up any timy now. Do you happen to know her blood type?" the paramedic asked her back.

"Why do you need to know her blood type? What does that have to do with anything? She didn't lose any blood, did she?" she challenged back.

The paramedic just cocked his head and gave her a weird look. "I'm just trying to collect as much information as I can, Detective Benson," he explained.

Olivia gave a small smiled and nodded in embarrassment, turning to look at Casey as she heard rustling from the stretcher next to her. She watched as Casey's eyes fluttered open and she looked around.

"Liv?" Casey asked as she tried to figure out her location. She locked eyes with Olivia as she realized that she was in an ambulance. "What happened?" she asked.

"You just fainted, hun, you're fine. Don't worry," Olivia assured her.

---

Approximately five minutes later the ambulance pulled up at the ER ambulance entrance. The sirens had long ago been turned off, but it was not the paramedics' nature to take things slowly.

"I can walk," Casey insisted, stubborn as usual and upset at the fact that she was being kept on a stretcher. She glared at Olivia and sighed as Olivia just shook her head at her and pushed down Casey's shoulders when she had tried to sit up.

Casey lay helplessly in the stretched as the paramedics wheeled her into a hospital room. They effortlessly transferred her onto a bed as the nurse rushed in to hook Casey up to an IV. As soon as the nurse wheeled the IV into the room, Casey's eyes grew wide with panic and fear.

She froze and her mouth hung wide open. "No! No, no, no, Olivia, do not let them put that in me!" Casey insisted as she squeezed Olivia's hand in hers. Casey locked eyes with Olivia, and was slightly offended as she saw the amused look that Olivia was giving her. _Oh god, she thinks I'm pathetic._

"Casey, are you going to be okay?" the nurse asked, even though the answer was pretty clear from Casey's earlier reaction to the IV.

"I hate needles. Please don't put it in. Do I need it?" Casey asked, practically begging the nurse with her eyes. The nurse sighed and gave her a look back that clearly told her that the answer was yes.

"Casey, just grab my hand. It will be okay," Olivia smiled at Casey as the nurse prepared the IV. When the nurse pushed the needle into the flesh of Casey's arm, Casey drew a sharp breath in and winced in pain as she squeezed Olivia's hand with all of her strength.

"Jesus Christ, Casey!" Olivia exclaimed as she pulled her hand away and tried moving it.

"I told you," Casey whispered as she choked back tears. Olivia looked down at her friend with concern.

"Case, it's okay. You're fine, they just want to keep you on IV for a little bit," Olivia explained. She couldn't help but notice the amount of discomfort that Casey was in. She knew that many people were afraid of hospitals, but something about Casey's behavior still seemed extreme to Olivia.

"Casey… did something happen? Is there a reason you're so terrified of hospitals?" Olivia asked her, sensing that Casey was hiding something.

"I don't like doctors," Casey whispered, her eyes never leaving her own hands that were in her lap.

"Casey, we both know why you're here. Let's stop pretending we don't know, okay? Just start from the beginning and tell me what's up," Olivia instructed.

"How long do you have?" Casey laughed, although Olivia was not so amused. She pulled a chair over next to the bed, took Casey's hand in hers and let her know she was listening as Casey began.

"Growing up I had four siblings. I had two older brothers and an older sister… and then I had a twin sister. Well, have of course, but you know what I mean. It was just hard, I guess. I never felt that I had to compare with my brothers, but my sisters were another story. My older sister was drop dead gorgeous, and she was always so skinny. She was just perfect, and I could never live up to her.

"And then there was my twin. No matter how hard I tried I was never as good as either of them. I would try so hard, but I could never be as pretty as them, or as good as them or as skinny of them. I tried so hard, but they were always better. I became anorexic when I was younger. I just wanted to be better than my sisters in any way I could. I wanted my parents to love me as much as I was sure they loved my sisters. I wanted to prove that I was as good as them. I got really sick then, but I swear, Liv, I got much better. I recovered, I really did.

"When I took over Alex's job, it was just a lot of pressure. I mean you and Elliot clearly both hated me, don't even deny it because you had every right. I know I was annoying as hell. Munch and Fin weren't much bigger fans of me than you were. That's when my... issues kind of started again. I mean, not this issue, I just went from not completely caring anymore to obsessing over it. I wasn't sick, it was just always on my mind. When I get stressed, it's just always been my way of dealing with things. I don't know how to explain it, Liv, I'm trying. For a lawyer you'd think I'd be able to talk, it's just really hard. It's the way I deal with things. It's too hard to explain. I'm tired, Liv, I can't talk about this anymore. I'm sorry for worrying you,"

Casey lay back in her bed with tears forming in her eyes as she tried her best to stop them. She had just shared her deepest secret, and she didn't know what to think. She couldn't bear to let Olivia see her being this vulnerable, especially not after everything she had just said. She refused to meet Olivia's eyes as she just stared down in shame.

Olivia watched Casey, not too sure of how to react. She had her own tears forming in her eyes, but she could tell that Casey was struggling to keep her tears to herself. She was not sure what to say to support her, so she just climbed on the bed next to Casey and took her in her arms in a supportive, friendly hug. She lay there with Casey's thin frame in her arms, as Casey finally let her walls down and cried into Olivia's shoulder.

As Olivia looked out towards the door she noticed the back of a familiar-looking head leaning against the glass.

"Case, I'll be right back. Can I get you anything?" Olivia asked. Casey just shook her head as she watched Olivia leave the room.

"I was wondering where you were," Olivia smiled as she went up and hugged Elliot.

"I heard everything," Elliot whispered to her.

"I feel terrible, El. Did you hear what she said? It's our fault it came back. It's because we treated her like dirt when she first came. I know we did, and I feel awful. She doesn't understand that we just missed Alex. I just wish I could help," Olivia said with tears in her eyes. "I don't know what to do!"

The guilt was weighing down on her like a ton of bricks. Deep down she knew that she could not be held solely responsible, but she could not help but feel responsible for everything.

"Liv, Elliot?" a small voice interrupted them from the other room. The two exchanged glances as they walked back into Casey's room. The sight of her lying emaciated in the big bed under the pile of blankets nearly broke both of their hearts.

"It's not your fault, Olivia. I wasn't asleep, and you don't tend to be too quiet when you talk, Liv," she laughed. "Seriously though, it's not your fault at all, you didn't do anything. I'll be out in a couple of days, and everything will go back to normal, okay?" Casey assured them. _There's no point in having them worry. I'll be out soon and then I'll deal with it. By myself._

Olivia climbed back into her spot next to Casey as Elliot took the chair next to the bed, and soon all three of them were fast asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm sorry, I know this isn't my best writing at all… I'm not as comfortable writing about this part.

-----

A couple of hours later Casey Novak was walking out of the hospital with Olivia and Elliot. She couldn't help but feel self-conscious around the two of them; she felt as though she were constantly being judged by the two. _Okay, Casey, you screwed everything up. Doctors will tell anyone that they're underweight in order to make them feel better. I'm not stupid; I just need to hide it better. They're all disgusted by it and it's just humiliating…_

"Casey Novak!" Olivia shouted for the forth time. She stood in front of the young ADA and held her by the shoulders so that she would have to stop and listen to her. "Casey, what is wrong? We've been trying to get your attention for almost ten minutes now!"

Casey sighed. "Sorry, I'm spacing out," she confessed.

"We have to go back to work, but we're going to pick up food on our way to drop you off at home. What do you want? We can stop anywhere," Olivia asked—her subtle way of making sure that Casey ate.

"What!? Home!? No way! What are you talking about, I need to go back to work too!" she insisted. Elliot and Olivia glanced at each other and back at her. "Stop it, I hate when you do that," Casey scowled,

"Case, you just got out of the hospital. You need to go home and get some rest. Don't worry about work, we'll let them know," Elliot said placing his firm hand on her bony shoulder. As soon as he did he gasped and pulled it away in shock. Olivia gave him a death glare that definitely sad "I'll deal with you later."

He couldn't believe they hadn't caught onto this sooner. Casey just looked away in shame, completely misinterpreting everything once again. _God, Case. When someone touches you and has to let go of you in disgust because you're __**that**__ fat… you know you have a problem._

She felt her cheeks blaring red as she continued on walking to the car. They walked in an awkward silence until the reached it. Casey voluntarily climbed into the backseat and closed her eyes, praying they would leave her alone.

"Casey?" Olivia asked from the front seat.

_No such luck. Of course._

"What do you want? To eat I mean. We're going to get some food," she continued once she had Casey's attention. Casey just shrugged. She couldn't bear to eat anything, but she wanted Olivia off her case.

"I don't care, Liv. Whatever you guys want,"

"Casey, did you talk to your… doctor about today yet?" Olivia asked. Casey knew that when Olivia said doctor she was referring to the "doctor" she was seeing for her eating.

"I'll call her later." Casey lied. Olivia just nodded, satisfied, much to Casey's relief.

Casey sat back against the seat, brought her knees up to her chin and curled herself into a protective ball. All she wanted to do was shut the world out and no one would leave her alone. No matter what she said they just never stopped.

As Olivia turned around to try and make Casey tell them anything that she would want to eat, she just turned to see the tiny red-head curled into a ball, completely shutting them out. It broke Olivia's heart to know that Casey would not let them help her.

All she wanted to do was make all of Casey's pain go away. She just wanted to cradle the young ADA in her arms and hug her until everything was okay again. Casey was practically her little sister and she couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. She knew that every single member of the squad felt the same way, and they all just wanted to protect her like any protective older sibling would.

Next to Olivia, Elliot had also caught a glimpse of Casey in his mirror and had the same reaction. Casey and Olivia were two of the most important people in Elliot's life, and he would do anything to protect him.

The sight of Casey curled up and refusing their help nearly made Elliot burst out in tears. He didn't understand how Casey could ever think of herself as fat, or anything close to that. She had always been thin and beautiful, she radiated with joy and confidence not only in the courtroom but in every moment of her life. Now he just saw a depressed, self-conscious little girl who was so sickly thin it seemed as though she would break at any moment.

He looked over at Olivia, who had been watching his reaction; she knew him well enough to practically read his thoughts. They shared an understanding nod as Elliot reached for her hand. There were no words that needed to be spoken between them at this time. They both knew that Casey wasn't getting help, but neither of them had wanted to admit it.

They finally realized that they couldn't avoid the problem right before their eyes. Something needed to be done—and soon.

---

"Casey, sweetie wake up," Olivia shook Casey's shoulder; she had fallen asleep on the way back to Casey's apartment.

"I'm awake," Casey insisted as she climbed out of the car. As she stepped down to the curb her foot skidded a little bit and she lost her balance.

"Casey!" Olivia exclaimed as she caught her before she could fall.

"Olivia, you're making such a big deal out of nothing. I tripped on my **shoe**. Stop it." Casey snapped.

Olivia stepped away from Casey as she walked over to Elliot, who was holding a bag of Chinese food. She noticed Casey sigh as Elliot stepped out, but she let it slide for the time being.

---

"Hey El, can you pass me the rice?" Olivia asked; it had been nearly silent the whole meal. It was uncomfortable for all three of them, since there was practically never a silent moment when the three of them were together.

"Here," he said as he passed it to her.

Casey could feel the detectives' eyes on her as she ate. She nibbled at some beef and broccoli, but having the detectives watching her eat just made her more nervous. It was hard enough already, but they wouldn't stop watching her.

"Stop it," she whispered; she couldn't take it anymore.

She didn't look up from her plate, but she knew that the detectives were having another one of their mental conversations.

"Stop that, too." She demanded.

"Casey, we need to talk. Can we go sit in the living room?" Olivia asked her, but it was more of a statement than anything.

"Fine, I just have to run to the bathroom first," Casey said. She was aware that the detectives might try and stop her, but it was worth the chance.

"Casey… please. It's important," Olivia insisted. Of course they all knew where she was really going.

"Can I at least go change?" she asked, desperate to get rid of her last meal.

"Let's talk first," Elliot said as he placed his hand on her back—he was prepared for all of the bones he felt that time—and led her to the couch. He pulled her down next to him and held her tight, while Olivia sat in the chair directly across from them.

"Casey, what's your doctor's name?" Olivia asked, obviously playing along although all three of them knew the truth.

"I don't want to talk about it," Casey whispered. Elliot lifted her chin and looked into her eyes, which just made her even more nervous.

"Casey, it's us. It's Elliot and Olivia. Why can't you talk to us?" he asked. Although he was only trying to help, when he said that Casey tensed up and there was a hint of panic in her eyes as she tried her best to remain calm. She knew that Olivia would be sending Elliot more looks, and of course he would understand them and send his own back.

"Casey, ignore him. We all know what's going on. We're all worried sick about you. You're unhealthy, sweetie you're so underweight it's dangerous. You heard the doctor today. I know it's not going to go away in a second, but please, just try," Olivia said to her. Elliot just nodded along as he kept his arm around her back.

Casey was silent for a couple seconds. Olivia grasped Casey's bony hand in hers as she tried to comfort her in any way possible.

"Okay," Casey finally nodded. "I'm sorry, I really am. Both you, I'm sor-" Casey started before she was cut off by Elliot.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry again, Novak. You don't have anything to be sorry for," he assured her with a hug. Olivia smiled at him, proud that he had spoken without saying anything that would make Casey feel worse.

"Sorry. Okay, I lied before. I'm sorry for lying to you; I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'll go to my doctor tomorrow. It's not as bad as you think, but I'll get help. Please just trust me," Casey insisted.

Elliot and Olivia both hugged her and accepted it as an answer for the time being, certainly less worried than before.


	5. Chapter 5

"El, it's been two weeks since we talked to her. Do you think she's really getting help?" Olivia asked. It was the first time that either of them had the courage to finally ask the question that neither of them had wanted to acknowledge. Elliot shrugged in reply.

"I don't know. It's not like we could tell that from how she looks since she's practically drowning in her own clothes that fit like, two days ago. How could we have not see this, Liv?" he asked, returning to the question that had been haunting the pair since they finally realized the reality of the situation.

Olivia sighed. "I don't know, but that's not going to help her now. I'm really worried, Elliot. I had a friend in high school that went through this, and it was so hard. It was nearly impossible for her, but it was painful for everyone who cared for her too. I love Casey too much to watch her do any harm to herself; it kills me to see her in so much pain," she replied.

"We should just ask her about the doctor. I'm sure we'll be able to tell if she's lying," Elliot suggested.

"El, she's a lawyer. If she is then that's great, but if she's not then she's not going to tell the truth."

"I'll talk to her," Elliot said as he stood up and pulled on his coat. "You don't worry. I'll call you if I'll be long for any reason." He squeezed her shoulder in reassurance as he left for the DAs office.

---

Casey was in her office so deep in her work that she didn't even notice the knocking on her door until her visitor spoke.

"Case?" she heard a voice ask from outside. She stood up to let him in.

"Hey," she responded with a smile. Elliot stared at her for a moment, taking in her appearance. She blushed and turned away. _Great, staring at my fat again. Why can't he just leave me alone?_ Of course she didn't notice the panic and worry in his eyes, as he was concerned about the opposite.

"Can we sit?" he asked, motioning to the couch in the corner of Casey's spacious office.

"I have a lot of work to do, and I have to be in court later," she responded quickly. She knew exactly where this was going, and she did not want to go there. Of course she hadn't called the doctor yet; she had truly wanted to after talking to her two best friends, but the guilt was too much. She didn't want to hurt anyone, but she couldn't just give up after all the progress she had made.

She heard Elliot sigh in response. "Casey, it's important. Please come sit with me?" he asked as he threw himself down on her couch and patted the seat next to him, motioning for her to come over. She reluctantly gave up and took her seat beside him.

She pulled her knees up to her chin and hugged her legs to her as she felt Elliot staring at her again. This was the last place that she wanted to be.

"How have you been?" he asked; she knew he was starting out with the lighter questions on purpose, so she gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"I've been okay. How have you been?" she asked back without looking up from where she held her gaze on her 'massive' thighs. _You're disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Repulsive._

"I've been worried about you—so has Olivia. Casey, have you gone to see the doctor yet?" he asked, getting straight to the point. Casey mentally weighed the pros and cons of whether she should just be honest or whether she should lie. She chose the latter.

"I called, I have an appointment tomorrow," Casey tried.

"Tomorrow is Sunday, Casey." Elliot informed her; that was all the proof he needed.

_Shit. Shit, Casey, you fat, stupid pig._

She could feel Elliot's concerned gaze on her, but she refused to look up to meet his eyes. She was sure that he was there just scrutinizing every one of her flaws.

"Casey, if you don't stop this we'll just have to talk to Huang or Cragen," Elliot threatened. Her eyes snapped up at once.

"You wouldn't." she whispered with venom in her voice.

"Casey, you're being selfish and childish. Why are you doing this? Stop lying to us, you're just making everything worse for yourself!" Elliot exclaimed, losing his temper as he raised his voice.

"Get the hell out of my office. And leave me the hell alone while you're at it," she demanded in a vicious tone; the same tone she had used when she yelled at him about him offering her a ride to work. She knew Elliot was stunned when she talked to him like that; she only talked to perps in that manner and Elliot was not usually there.

Elliot just shook his head as he slammed the door behind her. She sighed as she watched him leave.

He knew that this was beyond him.

---

"I snapped," he confessed as he morosely sulked into the precinct and slumped down in his seat, placing his aching head in his hands.

"What do you mean, you snapped?" Olivia asked, standing up as she went over to his desk.

"She never went. She told me she had an appointment tomorrow, Liv."

"Tomorrow is Sunday," Olivia reminded him. Elliot nodded.

"Exactly. I just got so frustrated, why doesn't she get it? How can she look in the mirror and see **fat**? How can she see anything but bones? I can't even touch her, Liv. I'm scared I'm going to break her," he confessed. Olivia sighed.

"I know, El. I don't understand it either. What did you do, though? What do you mean when you said you 'snapped'"?

"I told her that we'd have to talk to someone if she wouldn't stop, and she wouldn't even listen to me. I got angry; I told her she was being selfish and childish. Then I yelled at her for lying to us. I don't remember exactly, but she got so cold I swear the temperature went down 50 degrees, and then she kicked me out of her office," Elliot explained.

"Elliot!" Olivia exclaimed, anger searing in her stern voice. "That is not the way to handle this. I shouldn't have let you go, I was just hoping she would open up to you since she obviously wasn't going to open up to me."

Elliot shrugged; there was no point in denying that he had no idea how to handle the situation. "You know we can't just let this go. She needs help, and we can't do it for her."

---

Casey stared in the mirror in disgust as she locked the bathroom door behind her. After her conversation with Elliot, all she could do was think about how he must have been absolutely repulsed by her.

Not only was her once-beautiful hair now brittle and thinned, but she had become even more pale than before. She shuddered as she looked at what she thought of as her hideous appearance. She started at her arms and worked her way all the way down to her legs, pinching the non-existent fat at each point.

In reality there was not an ounce of fat on the young ADA, but to Casey there was entirely too much. She focused on her torso, pinching together the skin as she stared sickened into the mirror.

_How can I let them stop me? I can't, I won't. They say it isn't healthy, but it's working. They know I need to lose weight, they just don't want me to do it this way for no reason. Yeah, "dieting is healthier…" that's bullshit. I lose more this way in one week than I would in one year. They can't take it away from me._

---

Olivia nervously knocked on Captain Cragen's door, then waited patiently for him to open it. As he opened it he nodded them in and directed them to the chairs that sat in front of his desk.

"Did we get a new lead?" he asked them as they all took their seats.

"No, captain. This is more… personal. And it's not a case," Olivia tried to explain, but the captain just stared at her, trying his best to understand what she had said. She looked over at Elliot, hoping that he would take the initiative for once and explain the problem, but she realized that she was going to have to be the one to do it.

"We're really worried about Casey," she began. Cragen nodded as if he were considering what she had said, but she doubted that he noticed; Casey had been coming to the precinct as little as possible lately.

"Why? What's going on?" he asked her once he had processed the information. Once again Olivia waited for Elliot to speak, but when the silence continued to linger in the air she began explaining once again.

"We think she's sick. Well, no, we know she's sick. She doesn't eat. I never see her eat, and even on the few occasions that we get her to eat she'll barely eat anything or go to the bathroom right after. She's lost so much weight that you can practically feel every bone in her body. She must not even weigh 100 pounds at this point, and she still thinks she's fat. She's trying to lose more. It's anorexia… she's anorexic," Olivia explained as tears threatened to come to her eyes.

Cragen looked shocked as he tried to understand everything Olivia had said. Once he composed himself he looked over to Elliot, who had not uttered a word throughout the whole conversation.

There were two pairs of eyes locked on him when he looked up, and when he noticed this he finally spoke. "She won't listen to us, Captain. Please, can you do something? Anything?" he begged.

Surprisingly enough, Elliot was the first one to lose the battle to the tears. As Olivia observed a single tear roll down Elliot's cheek, she felt her own tears slide down hers. She couldn't bear to see Casey in so much pain, and she certainly couldn't bear to lose one of the two most important people in her life.


	6. Chapter 6

I just have to say something—a general message I guess: Basically if someone were to just look at the stories that I've written, s/he may think that I'm kind of… weird for the themes I am writing about. The things that I write about—at least so far—are all pretty serious, not just simple, happy and fluffy things. I'm not going to lie, I write about things I know. Also, yeah most of my stories are about Casey mostly because she's the one I'd say I relate to the most. It's sort of hard to explain, I just want to make sure people know that I'm not writing about this stuff because I'm like… a disturbed person, I just write because that's the way I handle things. The only difference is now I'm applying things to characters from SVU.

The end is a little... detailed. If anyone feels like I should change the rating at any point, please let me know.

-----

"Novak, can I see you in my office, please?" Cragen called as soon as Casey walked into the precinct. The urgency in his voice made her nervous and self conscious; she pulled her jacket tighter around her slender frame as she responded to the voice.

"Okay," she answered nervously. As she looked over to Olivia for support she only saw Olivia making eye contact nervously with Elliot. _They wouldn't… I'd kill them..._

"What's up, Captain?" she asked with as much confidence in her voice as she could muster as she leaned in the doorway.

"Come in, Counselor," Cragen ordered, sending chills down Casey's spine. She turned around to close the door as she finally locked eyes with Olivia—the look in Olivia's eyes immediately let her Casey know that her best friends had betrayed her.

"Please sit down," Cragen said to her, taking her mind off of her current thoughts as he motioned to the chair facing his own seat. She did as she was told, slumping down in the chair, too afraid to look Cragen in the eye.

"Casey, everybody is worried about you," he began. She knew where this was going, and she would have done anything to avoid it. She could feel him willing her to look up at him, but she couldn't bear to look into her captain's eyes. While the other members of the squad were like her older siblings, Cragen was like her father and she couldn't bear to disappoint him.

"Novak, look at me," she heard him order distantly, however she was still too afraid to look up and see him. After a couple seconds she gathered the courage to look her captain in the eye.

"Casey, your colleagues are worried about you, and frankly I am too. You're ill, Casey. I know that you're over 18 years old so I cannot formally force you to see a doctor, but I can refuse to let you work until you can prove to me that you are seeing one, and that you are keeping yourself safe."

His words hit her like a ton of bricks—it hadn't occurred to her that he had that power. She hadn't said a word since she walked in the door and she knew that he was waiting for her to speak, but she couldn't force herself to.

"I want you to talk to Huang," he continued. Her eyes darted around the room in panic until she was finally able to speak.

"And if I talk to Huang you won't make me take off time or anything like that?" Casey asked. As she looked up, Cragen looked as if he were considering it for a moment before she cut in, "if I go to talk to Huang, you let me stay. No time off. If you make me take time off I won't talk to anyone."

"Huang's office at 4:00; I already talked to him, so he'll be expecting you," he replied immediately. She stood up from her seat and stormed out of the office, fuming at her so-called "best friends."

"Case?" Olivia called as Casey continued to storm out, ignoring the greetings of all of the other detectives, including the ones who didn't even know what was going on and hadn't done anything to her.

She stomped out of the room and down the hall, ignoring the voice calling her name from behind her.

"Get away from me!" she yelled, pulling her wrist out of the grasp of Olivia, who had finally caught up with her and grabbed her wrist from behind.

"Casey! Stop it!" Olivia demanded, but Casey kept right on walking. She continued to ignore the detective until she felt an arm wrap around her entire body and pull her back.

"What the hell!" she demanded, writhing to get out of the detective's grasp.

"Stop it, Casey. Stop fighting me, I'm not letting go of you until you stop fighting me and stay here,. I just want to talk to you," Olivia kept repeating, but Casey kept right on fighting her until she released herself.

She began to pick up her pace as she heard Elliot catching up to the two of them, knowing that with both of them there she would never be able to get out of there without them forcing her to sit down and talk to them. She had almost reached the elevator and escaped when she felt a much stronger arm grab her from behind. She immediately turned around and slapped the man who had grabbed her in the face, but he still didn't let her go.

"Let's go, Casey. You're not doing this, we're going to talk. **Now.**" He demanded as he pulled her back away from the elevators, even though she continued to fight him.

"Stop it, Casey. I will pick you up and carry you over there if I have to, don't even think for a second that I won't do it. We just need to talk to you," he pleaded. She finally let herself go limp in her arms which were now fully supporting her, too exhausted to keep fighting them. She finally allowed Elliot to just gently pick her up and carry her to one of the interrogation rooms so they could talk; she was too tired to even argue anymore.

---

"Sweetie, please look at me," she heard Olivia plead with her, but she only focused on the screw in the chair that she was sitting in. It was loose, and she could definitely tell that it needed to be tightened. If she had a screw driver she would have just done it herself, but…

"Casey!" a hand jerked her chin up so that she was looking Elliot straight in the eyes. She shook her head away and looked up at Olivia, pulling Elliot's hand off her face.

"I still can't believe you," Casey scowled, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I know you're mad at us right now, Case, but you wouldn't listen to us. We did this for your own good, we're trying to help you. We had to talk to Cragen. You lied to us over and over, and you need help. I'm sorry, babe, but we can't ignore this," Olivia said softly as she rubbed comforting circles on the small of Casey's back. Casey felt tears welling in her eyes, unsure of how to respond.

"Come here," Olivia ordered soothingly as she opened her arms toward Casey. At first she was going to argue, but she didn't know where else to turn. She moved closer to her friend as she crumbled in her arms. She finally let her tears fall as Olivia pulled the tiny woman into her lap and rocked her soothingly back and forth.

---

As the young ADA stood outside the FBI psychiatrist's door later that day, she tried her best to collect herself by taking deep breaths. Before she even had a chance to knock on the door, however, it opened and George Huang stepped out.

"I'm glad you came, Casey," he said with a smile. She smirked back, unsure of why he was smiling for any reason. She followed him into his office and sat down on the couch that he lead her to.

"I didn't really have a choice," she mumbled, practically inaudibly.

"Casey, you know why you're here, right?" he asked her.

"Obviously," she replied, rolling her eyes.

"Can you elaborate, please?" he asked calmly, in such a way that he was beginning to piss her off. She knew that he just wanted to hear her say it, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of admitting it.

"Oh come on, George. I'm here, I'm following Captain's orders. Cut me some slack."

He shook his head at her gently. "Casey, you can't avoid this. You're here, but you're not going to make any progress if you refuse to try. It's not going to happen over night, but I'm here to help you. That's why you're here."

"Okay, okay. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, though. Please, if I promise I will come back and we can talk about it at another time, you have to at least tell Cragen that I came. I am here, I did come," she insisted.

"I will tell Cragen that you came, Casey, but I am still not going to lie to him. It does take time, however, and the fact that you're even here is a start. If you don't feel as though you can talk right now we can schedule another appointment. As long as you agree to come back and work with me, you've done all that we asked," Huang responded.

She smiled gratefully as she stood up and walked out, then made her way home.

---

_Oh god, oh god._ Her knees were purple from being grinded into the tile floor and the knuckles of her left hand were turning white as they gripped the seat of the toilet bowl. Her throat was raw as the bile forced its way up her throat and into the bowl in front of her.

Her stomach wretched in pain as she continued to force the fingers of her right hand deeper and deeper into her throat, massaging her uvula over and over as the bile kept rising from within her to the bowl in front of her.

The fountains of tears streaming down her pale, porcelain face were almost as painful as what she was doing to herself. As she felt the next round of bile climb up her throat, the taste in her mouth was unlike what it had been. The metallic taste alarmed her immediately and she squeezed her eye shut. She didn't need to see what had appeared in the bowl in front of her to know that she had begun to throw up blood.

---

"Hello?" Olivia answered groggily, practically answering the phone in her sleep. Immediately her eyes snapped open as she shot up. "Don't move, Casey, I'll be right there…"


	7. Chapter 7

Hey all! A couple things:

I know that the doctor may not be able to actually talk to Olivia and Elliot because they're not family, but we'll go with it. :)

Sorry about the disgusting part. Also, by the way just to explain, the reason the light blood is a relief is because that generally indicates a cut, whereas if the blood were dark then it could be life-threatening.

By the way, who else was extremely disappointed with this week's episode? I know I was.

-----

"Casey!?" Olivia yelled as she thrust her spare key to Casey's apartment into the lock and pushed it open. She slammed it behind her as she flipped on the light to reveal a seemingly empty apartment.

"Casey, where are you?" Olivia called, silently praying that Casey was conscious and able to physically answer her. She frantically searched through the living room and kitchen of Casey's apartment, and then made her way into the bedroom. She walked in, not wanting to flip on the lights in case Casey had fallen asleep.

Finding the bedroom empty as well she hesitantly made her way over to the bathroom. She could see that the lights were off from outside, but the door was closed and Casey didn't seem to be anywhere else.

As she knocked and pushed the door open she heard the soft sobs coming from the far corner of the bathroom. Her heart shattered into pieces hearing the vulnerability and pain in her cries.

"Oh, Case…" Olivia sighed, sliding down next to the shaking woman and pulling her into her arms. She sat with Casey for nearly 15 minutes, lightly rubbing her back as she tried to soothe her cries.

When she finally felt the tears subsiding, Olivia pulled back slightly from the young, broken woman in her arms. Although Casey's sobs had become quieter, she was still shaking violently in Olivia's arms.

"You're shaking," Olivia whispered as she rubbed Casey's arms trying to comfort her. She could feel the goosebumps on the young ADAs sickeningly thin arms as she realized that part of the reason Casey was shaking so much was because she was shivering. Once again Casey was freezing even though Olivia was not too cold herself.

She pulled away for a minute to take off her own jacket as she put it around Casey's shoulders. She knew that any other time Casey would have fought her until either Olivia gave in or could get Casey to shut up, but she didn't say a word so they just sat in silence.

"Sweetie, tell me what happened," Olivia begged her. Casey didn't say a word, but she looked up to meet the detective's eyes for the first time. It was dark in the bathroom, but Olivia could still see Casey's tears glistening.

"I threw up… blood…" Casey choked, crying as she forced the words out. Olivia sighed as she pulled Casey as close as she could against her chest. She sighed as she stroke the thinning red hair and held her close.

"Case, I know this is gross, but did you already flush it down?" Olivia asked. She knew it was disgusting to even ask, but she also knew that she needed to see for herself whether it was simple or life threatening.

"That's repulsive. Disgusting. No way, Liv," Casey opposed. Olivia sighed as she sat up. Part of her was dreading the fact that Casey hadn't gotten rid of it, but a bigger part of her knew that she had to check.

"I'm going to turn on the light, Case," she warned her. As she flipped them Casey started blinking and squinting trying to adjust her eyes until she just gave up and hid her head atop her knees that were pulled to her chin.

Olivia went over to the toilet and took a deep breath as she opened the top and tried her best not to vomit herself. She could have just taken Casey to the hospital and have them tell her, but she needed to see for herself before she did anything.

Of course it was not a sight that anybody ever wanted to be seeing, but she was relieved at once that the blood was light colored and red, even though there was a disturbing amount. She turned around to face Casey, who was now hiding her head in her hands simply in shame rather than just to block out the light.

"Hey, Case, it's Liv. You don't have to be embarrassed," she tried to reassure her. She kneeled down in front of her best friend and tried to get her attention, but Casey didn't lift her head.

"We need to get you to a hospital, Case. I'll go get you another jacket, okay?" she asked. The shrinking figure in the corner of the bathroom just sat still.

As she stepped out in the hallway to grab Casey's coat she pulled out her phone to call Elliot.

"Stabler?" he answered just before the call went to voicemail.

"El, it's Liv. Can you come meet us at the hospital? It's Casey…"

---

"Liv!" Elliot exclaimed as he dashed into the hospital and found her sitting in the waiting room; Casey was nowhere in sight.

"Elliot," Olivia said, rising with tears in her eyes. She practically ran over to Elliot as he enveloped her in a hug.

"Did she pass out again?" he asked worriedly. Olivia sighed and shook her head.

"Olivia, what happened?" he asked again when she hadn't answered.

"She was throwing up blood. I saw it, El, it wasn't dark, but she still needed to be checked out so I brought her here," Olivia explained. Elliot looked at her with a blank look.

"Throwing up… blood?" he gasped as he tried to comprehend what she was saying. "What do you mean it's not dark?"

"Nevermind, El" Olivia sighed, too frustrated to explain what she meant.

"She'll be fine, don't you worry," he reassured her as he pulled her into another hug and kissed the top of her head. He pulled her over to two empty seats.

"We couldn't protect her, Elliot. It was our job to protect her and we couldn't. We let her down," Olivia sobbed as she rested her head on Elliot's shoulder.

"Liv, we did protect her. We did everything we could to protect her from everything, but we can't protect her from herself," Elliot replied, pulling her close.

"I could have. I should have noticed. She's my best friend. She trusted me and I let this happen," she argued.

"Come on, Liv, there was nothing you or anyone could have done. There was no way to prevent it, but now we're here to help her. You can't blame yourself for any of this, now we just have to be with her," he assured her.

"How can you do that?" Olivia whispered, pulling away.

"Do what? Be with her?"

Olivia shook her head. "Sit here and say this to me when I know you're thinking the same exact thing. You blame us too."

"Oh, Liv," he sighed as he pulled her back close to his body. "This is Casey. This is _our_ Casey, Liv. You know how strong she is. She'd never give up without a fight, she's going to pull through and she'll be fine."

Olivia sighed as she leaned as close into Elliot as she could. She felt his firm arms hold her tight as she finally allowed her walls to come down as she sobbed into his chest.

---

"Are you Detective Benson and Detective Stabler?" a doctor asked as he approached them. Olivia nodded as she bolted up.

"Is she okay?" she asked immediately. She noticed that the doctor was young, maybe about Casey's age. She didn't want to judge anyone, but she couldn't help but worry about the capability of the doctor. Then again, she'd said the same thing about Casey and look how that turned out.

"Detective?" she heard the doctor ask, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" she asked.

"About Ms. Novak—are you aware of her… health issues?" he asked them, putting it as lightly as he could.

"We're working on it," Elliot sighed as he placed his hand on Olivia's back. She knew he would tell her that it wasn't her fault once again as soon as the other doctor walked away, but deep down she still thought it was.

"She's not in good health. She's severely underweight and she's dehydrated. She's not eating nearly enough. Is she seeing anyone?" he asked them. Olivia sighed and nodded.

"She went to talk to a psychiatrist today. We've tried to get her to talk to someone, but she kept lying to us. We talked to our boss and he threatened to make her stop working if she didn't get help. She's talking to our shrink now," she explained. He nodded, as if considering what she was saying.

"So what's wrong with her now? Besides that… why is she throwing up blood?" Elliot asked.

"About that specifically she'll be fine. She has something we call a Mallory-Weiss tear," he started, but paused when he saw the confusion in the detectives' eyes.

"Basically, it's a cut in the tissue of the esophagus; there are many names for it. It takes about ten days or so to heal, but it should heal fine. It's just like a cut, but it's due to her eating habits. We want to keep her here for observation, but legally we can't force her into treatment," the doctor explained.

Olivia and Elliot stood in silence, neither sure how to react. Olivia sighed as she felt herself practically fall to a chair. She leaned forward and supported her head in her hands. She felt Elliot's supportive hand on her shoulder as the doctor told them that they could go see her.

"How could we not see this?" Olivia whispered, questioning herself once again as she allowed Elliot to pull her up to stand beside him so that they could visit Casey.


	8. Chapter 8

Have to be honest - I haven't proofread yet, but I'm exhausted. I will later, but for right now I don't think there's anything too drastic... (I did spellcheck)

-----

"Hey sweetie, how do you feel?" Olivia asked with her voice full of concern as she and Elliot entered her room. Casey's form was practically sinking into the bed; her emaciated body practically lay flat against the surface, and her skin almost matched the white sheets.

"Hey," Elliot added as he walked in behind Olivia. Casey turned to her side so that she was facing out the window and no longer facing them. Olivia saw her flinch as the IV pulled at her skin.

"Casey?" Olivia asked again. "How are you feeling?"

Casey sighed and turned around with an irritated look in her sunken eyes.

"I feel completely fine, there's nothing wrong," she insisted, but winced as soon as she laid eyes on the needle in her tiny arm. Olivia made her way over to the bed and gently lay down beside Casey, moving the young woman's frail body over to the other side a little bit. She wrapped her arms around her bony frame as she allowed Casey to rest her head on her shoulder.

"Casey, we have to tell you something, but you cannot get mad at us. Just hear us out, okay?" Elliot started, but Olivia immediately shot him a fierce look, warning him to immediately shut up. She tried her best to keep Casey lying down and ignoring Elliot by pulling her into another hug, but Casey just shrugged her away.

"What is it?" she asked, not even bothering to look at Olivia because she knew that Olivia was not prepared to tell her whatever Elliot was.

"Forget it, Case, lie back down," Olivia insisted as she pulled Casey back into her arms.

"No, now you have to tell me," she insisted, pulling herself out of Olivia's grasp once again. Olivia knew that Casey was entirely too stubborn to let this go, but she also knew that Elliot would most likely say something upset her.

"Casey, we talked to Cragen and Donnelly today with Huang…" Olivia began, and Casey's eyes shot open in complete fear.

"What are you talking about? When was this?" she asked.

"You were asleep for a while, Case," Elliot explained as he sat down on the end of the bed so that he was facing the two of them. She rolled her eyes and hid her face in the shoulder of Olivia's jacket.

"Babe we are all worried about you. Everyone misses you, and Fin and Munch are dying to see you. You haven't been yourself, and we want you back," Olivia assured her.

"So what? What did you talk about? I can't believe you're having meetings about me," she scowled.

"Casey, we are so glad that you agreed to go talk to Huang, but everyone agreed that's not enough. You know that we can't force you to get help, but Donnelly and Cragen are both in agreement that they will force you to take time off unless you agree to see a specialist," Olivia explained.

"I did! I went to see Huang and I promised to go back!" she insisted, pulling away and crossing her arms. She tried her best to move as far away from Olivia as she could, clearly angry with her, but she could only move so far away on a single bed.

"Casey, Huang is a psychiatrist, but he's not a specialist. We want you to go see an eating disorder specialist—someone who spends their life helping people who have the same problem that you do…"

"What!?" Casey interrupted her. "You can't do that! They can't do that!" she insisted.

"You know they can, Case. Look, you're Donnelly's best prosecutor; everyone knows that. Cragen would kill before he'd let you go, but they're most concerned for your health right now. Please, we can't just sit back and watch you kill yourself," Olivia begged as tears began to well up in her eyes.

She expected Casey to pull away again, but instead she felt the ADA 's frail body curl up against hers. Olivia wrapped a protective arm around her best friend. She pulled her as close as she could to her own body, trying to shield her from the world in any way she could. She felt Elliot stand up and move around to Casey's side of the bed. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head as he hugged her and sat in the chair beside the bed. He smiled as she reached out her hand to grasp his.

"So you'll go? Olivia asked her as she brushed some stray hairs out of Casey's piercing green eyes.

"Will you come?" she whispered in a childlike voice, looking up at Olivia with an innocence in her eyes that Olivia had never seen. She finally realized what it was; it was something she had never seen from Casey before… it was fear.

Olivia smiled as she pulled the young woman even closer to her body. "I don't think I can come _in_ with you, Case, but I will take you to every appointment, I'll wait with you and I'll take you home from every one. I'll be there with you the whole time, okay?" she asked, continuing to smile as she felt her protective maternal instincts kicking in once again.

"What am I, chopped liver?" Elliot laughed, sitting in the chair alone. Casey sat up to give him a kiss on the cheek as he pulled her into his own hug. Olivia smiled at the two of them, feeling better about the situation for the first time since she had discovered it herself.

---

"Casey!?" A voice exclaimed from the doorway. Olivia turned to see a woman practically identical to Casey running frantically into the room.

"Al?" Casey asked the woman as she walked into the room.

"Why didn't you call anyone!? What's wrong? I called your office and they said you were in the hospital…" she exclaimed. "No call, nothing. For all I knew you could be dead!"

"If it were serious I would have called, but it wasn't. It wasn't serious at all. Please tell me you didn't call anyone else?" Casey answered.

"Casey, you would never in a million years voluntarily come into a hospital unless you were either dying or physically dragged in against your will," Casey's sister demanded as she stepped closer. As she did so she got a better view of the woman lying in the bed in front of her.

"Oh god, Case, no…" she gasped, clearly taking in the emaciated figure lying in the bed as her eyes lay glued to her sister. "Oh, Case, after everything? After all this time? We all thought this was taken care of…" she was finally able to say after an awkward period of silence.

Casey shifted uncomfortably as she just stared at her lap, unable to meet her sister's eyes. Olivia and Elliot sat uncomfortably until Casey's sister noticed them.

"Well, since she won't introduce me," Aly started, motioning to Casey. "I'm Aly, Casey's sister," she smiled as she shook hands with Olivia and then Elliot.

"I'm Olivia, this is Elliot. We work with Casey," she explained with a smile. Aly nodded back at her. "So are you the twin or the older one?" Olivia asked.

"Well, both," Aly started as Casey shot her a glance.

"God, Al, you're still eight years old," Casey said with a grin. "It's seven minutes and you _still_ make it sound like seven years." Olivia and Elliot both laughed at how typical the exchange was between any set of twins.

"God, you sound like my kids. Dickie's always rubbing in the fact that he's six minutes older than Liz," Elliot teased, laughing at how much Casey and her sister reminded him of his own kids.

"Tell me about it. We were born at like, 4:00 and 4:07AM, so I would always wake this one up the minute I was officially a 'year older' than she was to rub it in," Aly replied with a grin.

Casey smirked in response. "Oh you're so full of it, you say that like you don't still call me," Casey reminded her. Aly shrugged innocently.

"So how are you?" Casey asked her, obviously trying to take the attention away from herself.

"Oh stop it, Case. You know we have to talk about this," Aly said as seriousness came over her. Casey just shrugged, clearly refusing to discuss it.

"What happened, hun? You were so much better. When did this start? God, mom and Kate are going to flip—" Aly began.

"No!" Casey literally yelled, causing not only everyone in the room to look at her, but the people passing in the hall as well. Aly stood completely in shock, while Olivia and Elliot had grown used to these sudden angry outbursts.

"Don't tell them, or anyone. It's bad enough _you_ know. Why did you come here? Why the hell are you here?" Casey snapped, ignoring the fact that everyone else in the room was staring at her in complete confusion.

"No, you know what, Casey? I refuse to let you do this again. You're coming home with me until I'm comfortable leaving you alone, because right now there's no _way_ I am just leaving you. You nearly killed yourself the last time, and that was with all of us thee 24/7," Aly insisted before turning her attention to Elliot and Olivia. "Don't let her fool you, either. She won't go to the doctors. You can take her there yourself, and she—"

"Get the hell out of here! Fuck off, get the hell away from me, and don't you fucking come back!" Casey practically screamed as she almost jumped out of bed, and would have if Olivia hadn't still had her arms around her in the first place. Aly stood in complete shock with her mouth literally wide open.

"Um, Aly, can I talk to you for a second?" Olivia asked as she stood to lead Aly out of the room before the situation blew up.

"No!" Casey insisted from her bed as she tried to follow Olivia. "No, don't, I don't want you to talk to her unless I can hear what you're saying!" She almost stood up before Elliot took Olivia's place on the bed and spoke softly to her to try and calm her down. As Olivia left she shot Elliot a glance to let him know that if he said anything to upset Casey, she would find out.

---

"She'll lie to you. You don't know her. She knows every damn trick in the book—everything. You take her to the doctor, she'll find a way to sneak around and convince you she went in even when she doesn't. You make her eat, then she throws it up. You stop her from throwing it up, then she hides it. There's nothing you can do unless you're hovering over her shoulder every second. Olivia, she can't do this again. I'm sure she didn't tell you but she almost died the first time," Aly exclaimed as tears began to flow from her eyes. Olivia heart practically shattered into pieces from hearing what her best friend had gone through.

"She's older now, Aly, she gets it. This isn't high school, you know? Things aren't as tough anymore. I don't know about your relationship with Casey, but she's my best friend. It's true that I didn't know her when you did, but I know her now and she's one of the strongest people I know. Trust me, I know you want to protect her; she's like a little sister to me and I want to protect her more than anything in the world. We just have to have a little faith, you know? Your sister is one of the most amazing people that I've ever met in my life. She'll get through this; we'll help her get through this," Olivia preached to the woman in front of her as tears formed in her own eyes. She knew that everything she was saying was the opposite of what she was feeling herself, but she was always better at comforting other people than comforting herself.

"My family is going to be devastated, Olivia. We're twins, but Casey has always been the baby of the family. God, those years going through that… it was hell for all of us. Did you know that it was my fault? Did she tell you that? She never told me, but I knew. She always compared herself to Kate and me. I thought she was all better…" Aly practically sobbed. Olivia wrapped her arms around the trembling woman in front of her whom she had just met for the first time.

"Aly, please, telling your family will just upset Casey more and make her pull away. I promise you, I will do absolutely everything in my power to help your sister."

-----

Eh, I tried. Reviews pleaaase:)


	9. Chapter 9

Major writer's block lately, but I'm trying. Please review, it makes me really happy and will most likely help. :) Suggestions appreciated too, because I'm a little lost!

P.S. Ahh, watching "Quarry" right now!

**Olivia:** Half my genes are drunk, the other half are violent and cruel  
**Elliot:** And look how great you turned out; it's not all about the genes, Liv.

One of my favorite lines ever, so sweet.

-----

It was barely 9:30 in the morning, but Casey felt as if she had been stuck in that office all day. She knew she had work to do, but lately she didn't seem to care about anything. She was exhausted, and she knew her work was slipping.

She sighed miserably as she sunk down in her office chair before her phone interrupted her.

"Hey Case, let's get some dinner after work then catch a movie or something," she heard Olivia say through the phone.

"Okay, I'll meet you at—" Casey began before she was cut off by the detective.

"Your office at 8:00, okay?"

Casey sighed in defeat. Ever since she had been released from the hospital everyone had been treating her like a porcelain doll, as if she would break at any second. Deep down she knew that they were basically right, but she would never let anyone else see that.

"Sure, whatever," she finally replied.

"Great, see you at 2:00," Olivia answered before ending the call. Since the doctor had instructed Casey to only exercise by taking 20-minute walks a couple times a week until the tear was healed, Olivia had been meeting Casey at her office to walk with her. She had only been out of the hospital for a couple of days, but Olivia wasted no time when it came to her recovery.

---

"Casey?" Olivia called as she entered the vacant office, glancing at the clock that read 11:49AM. She needed a search warrant, but there wasn't too much of a rush on it so Olivia decided to check-in on Casey while she was at it rather than just calling her. She whipped out her phone to call her just as Casey's secretary walked by.

"Hey Olivia," the secretary greeted her and Olivia smiled back.

"Hey, do you know if Casey's in court right now?" she asked the young secretary, who shook her head in response.

"No, I know she's not right now. She has arraignment in an hour, though. I saw her leave, but I'm not sure where she went…" she explained. Olivia stared skeptically at the secretary, feeling as though there was something that wasn't being revealed.

"Are you not telling me something?" she asked bluntly. The secretary didn't even have a chance to answer before a flicker of red hair disappearing around a corner caught Olivia's eye.

She quietly made her way over to where she had seen the hair that she knew belonged to Casey. As she approached she heard someone breathing heavily.

"Casey?" she asked, coming face to face with a sweaty, out-of-breath Casey, clad in her running clothes and shoes. Casey stiffened immediately like a deer caught in headlights, and said nothing in return.

"Casey, you were just released from the _hospital_. We were going to walk later…" Olivia began.

"What are you doing here, Liv?" Casey finally managed.

"We needed a warrant, and I wanted to see how you were doing…" Olivia answered, shifting uncomfortably on her feet.

"You could have called," Casey answered rather haughtily.

Olivia sighed, not shocked by Casey's attitude. "Well, If I did then you would have said that you were fine and sitting in your office. I wouldn't know that you've been running. How long have you been doing it?" she asked. Casey shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well you keep making me eat, Liv… if not you, then Elliot. Then you won't even let me get rid of any of it after, and walking doesn't do anything..." she whined. Olivia sighed, completely exasperated at this point.

"Casey, you are thirty years old. You're not going to have someone watching over you 24/7. I'm trying to look out for you because you know how important you are to me—same with Elliot—but there's only so much we can do to help you. You need to learn how to take care of yourself," she replied, then immediately felt guilty when she realized how accusing she had sounded.

Casey glared at her for a moment before storming off.

"I'll drop the warrant off; don't wait," she called angrily over her shoulder before she disappeared into her office and slammed the door.

---

"Working hard or hardly working?" Casey teased as she approached Munch's desk with the warrant.

"Little bit of both," he replied with a smile, picking his head up from the desk where it had been resting moments before. "We missed you around here; you've kind of been MIA," she told her as he stood up to give her a hug. She shrunk back uncomfortably, as she had come accustomed to doing, not wanting to draw any attention to her 'excess weight.' He ignored it and just held her tighter.

"Ew, Munch and Novak? Who would've thought?" she heard Fin say from behind her. She turned around and smirked at him before John slipped his hands around her waist and moved closer to her.

"Well, you know I like them young," he joked, and Fin started laughing. Casey immediately tensed up as his arms remained around her waist, making her extremely self-conscious. She stared blankly ahead as the men continued laughing, trying her best to convince herself that they weren't laughing at her.

"Hey, put a smile on," Munch teased as he tried to tickle her by poking her side, knowing that it always made her laugh. Rather than laughing, however, she immediately jerked away and practically ran out of the room. She _knew_ he was poking at her fat and she couldn't stand to be humiliated by them anymore, so she ran to the bathroom and reverted to her old ways. She smiled in sick satisfaction as the food that she had been forced to eat finally left her body.

---

"What the hell did you do to her, man?" Fin accused as they watched her sickly thin figure dash out of the room.

"I didn't do anything! I just tickled her," he responded with a shrug.

"She ran out of here!" Fin argued as Olivia and Elliot entered the room.

"What's going on?" Elliot asked, hearing only the end of the conversation.

"Novak," Munch responded with a shrug before returning to his desk. Elliot and Olivia exchanged concerned glances. Fin and Munch had to know that Casey had lost weight, but as far as Elliot and Olivia could tell they had no idea what exactly was going on.

"Where did she go?" Olivia asked them. Fin and Munch both shrugged again, so Olivia just followed her instincts and raced out to go find her best friend.

---

As Olivia slowly pushed open the bathroom door, she heard the sound that she had been dreading coming from the farthest stall. She slipped in silently and stood against the counter—she needed to be there when the person that she knew was Casey came out.

As she finally heard the retching stop and the toilet flush, she prepared herself for the confrontation that she would need all of her energy for. She stood firmly in her place with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for the redhead to emerge from the stall.

As soon as the stall door opened she watched as Casey's emerald eyes widened immediately. They darted around helplessly, too ashamed to meet Olivia's eyes, until Olivia finally spoke up.

"Oh Case…" she finally managed to say as she walked toward the terrified woman and embraced her gently. She expected her to pull away, but Casey immediately crumpled in the older woman's arms.

Olivia slid down to the floor pulling Casey down with her as she allowed Casey to cry on her shoulder. She sat gently rocking Casey back and forth as she rubbed small circles on the small of her back, trying her best to soothe her.

"Shh… it's okay, Case," she repeated until the sobbing eventually subsided. She felt a defeated Casey let her body go limp against her own, and she pulled the weightless body closer to herself so that she could support her.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia…" she whispered meekly without lifting her head up. Olivia held her tighter as she smoothed her hair back.

"It's okay, sweetie, we're going to get you through this, okay? You're not going to give up on me. You're going to hate it, but you're going to fight it. I'm not losing you," Olivia informed her, leaving no room for opposition.

Casey finally sat up to meet the detective's eyes. "I know, Liv. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll try. I don't want to be any trouble, but you have no idea what it's like. I'm just so exhausted I can hardly stand it any more. I just want to give up…" she admitted with a sigh.

Olivia lifted the younger woman's chin up so that she was looking the detective directly in the eye. "Casey Novak, you listen to me. You are not going to give up. As long as I live, Case, you're not giving up," she told her as she felt a tear of her own slip down her cheek.


	10. Chapter 10

"ADA Novak, how nice of you to grace us with your presence," Munch said sarcastically as Casey briskly walked into the precinct, smirking in response.

"Where's Liv?" she asked as she stopped by his desk. Munch shrugged.

"With Elliot," he responded.

"Okay… where's Elliot?"

"With Liv," Munch teased. Casey rolled her eyes at him but couldn't help but laugh; even when she was in her worst moods he could still make her laugh.

"There we go, I haven't seen a smile on that face in a while," he said only half sarcastically. She rolled her eyes before turning to walk out.

"Tell her I'm looking for her when you see her," she called over her shoulder.

"Wait, are you coming tonight?" Munch asked her. They had finally closed seemingly hopeless case (with a guilty on all counts conviction), and it was Friday night, which was all the reason they needed to have a celebration. Olivia had asked her about it multiple times, as had Elliot, but she had just shrugged and answered with an "I don't know" each time. As much as she still loved her friends, it was uncomfortable for her to be around them sometimes, especially since they would be going to the bar and there would be food there.

"I'm not sure," she finally answered with a small smile.

"You better!" she heard him call from behind her as she walked out of the doors to return to her own office, where she hopefully wouldn't have to deal with anyone for the rest of the day.

---

"Hey, Novak was here looking for you," he called to Olivia as she walked back into the precinct, followed by Elliot.

"What did she want?" she asked back. Munch shrugged, but stayed facing the two of them. "Is she okay?"

Olivia and Elliot both shrugged as they exchanged glances, unsure of how to handle the situation—it's not something they had to deal with on a regular basis.

"She's…" Olivia began, but paused when she realized she had no idea how to go about this.

"Lost a lot of weight?" Munch cautiously finished for her. "Yeah, Fin and I both noticed, we just weren't sure if we should say anything," he explained once he saw Olivia's uncomfortable expression. She nodded back at him.

"Yeah, she is. She's having some trouble, but she's working on it…" she explained, hoping that would be enough. Munch nodded.

"My sister went through this fad, too." He continued. Olivia glared at him instantly, annoyed by his lack of compassion.

"It's not a 'fad,' John. It's serious… she's sick. Don't be an asshole or I'll kill you," she said, almost more seriously than anyone would have liked.

"Don't worry, Olivia won't even let me talk to her. I don't know what to say either," Elliot joked as he walked over to his desk. Olivia laughed at the truth of the statement, but stopped immediately.

"It's not a joke; we shouldn't be laughing about this," insisted.

"Make her come tonight, Liv. We all miss her; she never comes down here anymore unless she has to, and even then she'll just come and talk about boring work stuff," Munch whined.

"I'll try, but I don't think I'm going to force her. Honestly, I don't want to be talking about her like some china doll, but she is fragile right now. I don't want one of you to say something that will make her backtrack on the progress she's made, because she has been making progress."

"We won't," Munch and Elliot both promised.

"Fin too… wait, does he even know?" she reminded them.

"I think so," Munch responded.

"No one say anything about her eating except for me, and no one say anything if she goes to the bathroom; I'll just go with her," Olivia explained and then made them promise before they turned their attention back to their new case.

---

As Casey, Elliot and Olivia pulled up to the bar in Elliot's car, Casey immediately felt nerves fluttering in the pit of her stomach. She hated that what used to be fun for her was now turning into a nerve-racking experience. She knew that spending time with her friends should have no reason to make her nervous, but when food was involved she just couldn't help it.

She smiled weakly as Elliot placed a hand on her back and led her into the bar, where Munch and Fin were already waiting with a table. They all took their seats before a waiter came over to take their orders. Luckily for Casey they only ordered appetizers to all share, but that still didn't make it completely disappear.

"So how are you, Casey? Is everything going okay?" Fin asked her, interrupting her from the fascination of twiddling her thumbs. She looked up at the sound of her name to see that all pairs of eyes were staring at her. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and found a spot on the wall to focus on, so that she wouldn't have to look anyone directly in the eye.

"I'm fine," she said meekly as she forced a smile on her face. In all honesty she had been doing a lot better. She had been eating her meals without over-exercising, and she hadn't purged since the day that Olivia confronted her in the restroom.

She knew of course that she had a long journey ahead of her and that everything would never completely disappear, but she also knew that she had all of the support that she could ask for. As the attention of the conversation shifted to something else, she couldn't help but smile at how fortunate she was. She had a family that loved her, and she was sitting here with her best friends in the world. Of course it would take time for things to get better, but in that moment she realized that these people loved her before she had lost all of her weight, and they would love her if she gained twice as much back. She knew she would never let that happen, but it was the thought that helped her realize that her weight wasn't of the utmost importance. She smiled and laughed along with her friends, forgetting about the issue altogether—at least for the time being.

-----

I know, I have NO idea where to go with this. The End??? Unless people have other ideas, but it was hard enough coming up with this one. The ending is cheeeese central, but I don't really know how I should write about the recovery and I think that kind of needs to happen sooooo… well, it's up to you guys! (I'm sorry, I know this is terrible, but I really have no idea how to write this part.)

Oh, also, I posted this in my update of Who Can You Trust?, but just so hopefully SOMEONE who sees one of these will know: (I'm just copying & pasting it by the way)…

I've asked a couple of people this because it's just driving me crazy, but I just do not remember this episode. PLEASE, if someone knows what it is, please tell me? PM me, add it in your review, whatever, but please? It's driving me crazy… anyone?? Much appreciated…

Damn, okay so no URLs in here, but if you have the time you absolutely will be my hero if you can tell me: If you go to youtube and search "World On Fire SVU" and it's obviously the SVU video... the video from 0:42-1:00... please, you'll be my hero (which miiiiight just mean I'll update faster!)


	11. Chapter 11

BY THE WAY, for anyone who got an alert saying that chapter 12 was up: I realized after I put it up that I rushed through it just because I wanted it posted, but it actually sucked. So I decided I'd rather have it take a little bit longer and be better than post it quickly but have it suck, so it's coming. :)

Thanks 100 to Anna St. James (seriously, thank you), I am not ending this story yet. As she pointed out, the idea that recovery is that easy is ridiculous. I put it in there because I felt like people wouldn't be too happy with things getting worse again, but… well, don't read it if you don't like it I guess.

By the way, I don't really know why I made Liz Donnelly Casey's boss… whatever.

-----

"Ms. Novak!" Judge Petrovsky yelled as she tried to get her attention once again.

"What?" Casey asked, blinking her eyes as if to try and make herself focus. Judge Petrovsky groaned and rolled her eyes.

"Counsel approach," she beckoned, shooting a glance at Casey as she stood and slowly trudged over to the judge.

Lionel Granger smirked at her as he placed a hand on Casey's bony shoulder. "Your honor, it seems as though 'the people' aren't quite with us today." Casey shrugged away from him and stepped away slightly.

"Casey, what on earth is going on? I called 'your witness' three times!" the judge said suspiciously.

"I apologize, your honor. I was just going through the witness' testimony in my head and got distracted. I didn't mean to lose focus," Casey explained. "I'm sorry."

Judge Petrovsky shot her another annoyed glance. "Well, see that it doesn't happen again in my courtroom, Ms. Novak," she said quietly before looking up at the rest of the courtroom and leaning into the microphone. "Court will reconvene tomorrow." She gathered her belongings and stood to return to her chambers.

"Thanks, Casey, I can't remember the last time a trial ended this early." Lionel patted her shoulder again with a smirk before returning to his seat. Casey groaned and covered her face with her hands. Suddenly she felt someone lay their hands on her shoulders. She shrugged away and spun around to face Munch, who was staring at her with a look of concern.

"You okay?" he asked. She nodded then slipped past him to gather her own things. She heard him sigh loudly behind her before following her and cautiously placing a hand on her back.

"Come on, let's go get coffee or something," he tried. She ignored his comment and grabbed her coat and briefcase, then tried to move past him. She took a step to her right to try and get by, but John stepped as well and blocked her way.

"John," she pleaded. "Please just leave me alone."

"Tell me what's wrong," he argued as he gripped her shoulders and spun her around to face him. She pulled away and stormed past him, leaving him standing there alone.

---

Elliot sighed as he slowly pushed open Casey's office door and stepped inside, where he found her resting her head on her arms on top of her desk. He could tell that she was asleep immediately.

Munch had called Olivia right after the trial, but Elliot had wanted to go and talk to her. He hated that he couldn't help her. Casey would always trust him and Olivia when she needed help, but she had built her walls up high and started blocking them out, and he couldn't stand it. He cautiously walked over to where she was sitting, looking so little he could barely believe it was her. He kneeled down next to her and laid his hand on her back, cringing as he traced his hand over the bones he easily felt through her shirt.

"Casey?" he asked softly as he brought his hand to her head and stroked her hair back. "Case?" he asked a little louder when she didn't respond to his voice the first time. When she made no indication that she had heard him again he stood up and firmly rested his hand on her shoulder.

"Casey," he called again, much louder than he had before. Her head snapped up and she sleepily wiped her eyes before innocently looking up at him.

"El?" she asked, blinking as she tried to shake the sleep off.

"Hey." He smiled as he sat on top of her desk so that he was facing her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Munch called, so I came to see how you were... are you okay?"

Casey scowled and crossed her arms over herself as she leaned back in her chair. "Why wouldn't I be okay? And why is he calling you giving updates on me?"

Elliot just shrugged, realizing it would be useless to argue with her.

"Come sit with me," he requested as he hopped off the desk and held out his hand with a smile. She hesitated for a moment before nodding tentatively and carefully placing her tiny hand in his. He marveled at how small and childlike it felt enclosed in his own.

She allowed him to lead her over to the couch and pull him down beside him. He laughed as her eyes started drooping closed and he let her lean into him and rest her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked as he ran his hand up and down her arm.

"I'm fine," she mumbled into his shoulder.

Elliot paused for a moment. "I'm really worried about you, Case."

Casey opened her eyes and sat up, turning herself to face him. "Don't be."

"Liv is too."

"Well, then tell her not to be too."

Elliot sighed in frustration. "So are Munch, and Fin, and Cragen…"

"Stop it," she interrupted quietly, but firmly enough that Elliot stopped talking immediately. "I'm fine, Elliot."

"You're not fine, Casey! I just want to make you better."

"You can't just fix me, Elliot! It doesn't work like that!"

"Casey, please, I hate seeing you like this. I can't do it. You're hurting yourself, and that's hurting all of us."

Casey shook her head furiously, obviously fighting back tears. "Stop it, stop it please, I can't do this. Please just leave me alone."

"I can't just leave you alone! Please, Casey, please let us in," he begged as he once again took her hand in his. "Talk to us; we want to help you. It's killing us to see you like this."

Her shoulders started to shake, and although there weren't any tears in her eyes Elliot could see that she was struggling so hard not to let him see her cry. He reached over and pulled her into a hug, ignoring the fact that he knew she would pull away. She stayed even longer than he expected her to before pulling away and quickly getting up off of the couch and hurrying over to her desk to grab her coat.

"Casey, please!" he begged one more time, but she simply ignored him and rushed out.

---

Casey sighed and threw herself down on her couch as soon as she stepped into her apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. She grabbed the pillow next to her on the couch and pressed it tightly against her face before letting out a huge, piercing scream that had been threatening to slip out all day. She sat for a moment before hurling the pillow across the room.

She stood up and began pacing around her living room, unsure of what to do. She finally stormed into her kitchen and grabbed an all-to-familiar bottle of vodka off the counter. She tilted her head back and poured a cool stream of the straight liquid into her mouth, letting it work its way through her blood stream and take over.

Finally, not being able to take it anymore she hurried into her room and changed from her work clothes to her running clothes. She pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and pants, then grabbed her ipod and her keys and slammed the apartment door behind her, enjoying the resonating bang is made as it closed.

As she left her apartment she nodded to Maxwell, her doorman, before jogging off in her usual direction. She began on her usual route, but eventually veered off in the opposite direction. She had no idea where she was going; she just wanted to get as far away from everything and everyone at home as possible.

She continued running, ignoring the burning of her lungs and her aching legs, which were begging her to slow down. She ran on for miles, pain pulsing through her, but ignoring it nonetheless. She had no clue as to where she was, but she couldn't stop. She wanted it all to go away. She wanted to be happy again. She wanted to not feel so fat all the time. She just wanted to be able to think of something other than food and how horrendous she looked.

As she turned into a random park she had never seen before, she realized how badly she needed to stop, but she couldn't quite force herself to do it. Her body was screaming at her to stop running, but she needed the weight to just be gone; she held ont to the belief her problems would slip away with them. She kept on running right until everything went black and she collapsed in the middle of the unfamiliar park in the middle of the night.

---

The courtroom was practically silent except for the soft hum of people having private, useless conversations as they waited for the trial to begin. The jury was sitting restlessly, and Judge Petrovsky was staring at the clock.

"Your honor," Lionel Granger finally spoke up. "The people seem to not be present at this time, and the trial was supposed to start twenty minutes ago. If it were the defendant that was not present, they would be sent right to jail."

Judge Petrovsky stared absently at him. "First of all, Mr. Granger, I think there is a pretty significant difference between the prosecutor being late and the accused rapist or murderer being late, don't you?"

Lionel rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement. "Yes, your honor, but the point is that this is a little ridiculous. Where is Ms. Novak?"

Judge Petrovsky looked as lost as everyone else did, but leaned into the microphone and spoke anyway. "All right, court will reconvene in two hours. Someone find Ms. Novak."

---

"Captain Cragen, Special Victims Unit," Don said into the phone as he picked it up.

"Don, it's Liz Donnelly."

"Liz, what can I do for you?" he asked as he stood up and walked out of his office to see if Casey was there in case Liz was looking for her.

"Is Casey down at your precinct?" Liz asked. Cragen scanned the room, causing all of his detectives to look at him, before responding.

"No, she's not here. Isn't she in court?"

"She's supposed to be. She never showed up; Petrovsky gave her two hours. No one knows where she is…"

"She's not answering her phone?"

"No, she hasn't been to her office."

Cragen looked concernedly at his detectives before speaking back. "Things are pretty slow right now, I'll send my detectives over to her apartment to see if she's there. She didn't call in?" he asked. Olivia immediately stood up and made her way over to him, most likely knowing it was about Casey.

"She didn't call. If you do find her and she's not dying, tell her that she damn well better be in my office the second the trial is over."

"I will, thank you," Cragen said before slowly turning off the phone.

"What's wrong? Is it Casey?" Olivia asked as Elliot stood up and came to her side, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Cragen nodded, still confused from the conversation; Casey was always reliable, and he didn't want his detectives to see how concerned he was. "Casey never showed up at the trial. Can you go to her apartment and see if she's there?"

Olivia's eyes went wide as she nodded and rushed out of the precinct with Elliot on her heels. Cragen stared absently ahead, not wanting to admit just how worried he was.

---

Olivia jumped out of the car as soon as it pulled up to the curb, not even waiting for it to completely stop. She sprinted up to Casey's building, then stopped waited for Elliot in front of it. As she was waiting, she caught a glimpse of the doorman to Casey's building out of the corner of her eye. She tried her best to recall his name, but when she couldn't she simply pulled out her badge and walked over to him.

"Excuse me," she called to get his attention. "Have you seen Casey Novak this morning?"

He seemed to think for a minute before responding. "She left last night, but I haven't seen her since."

Olivia stared at him for a moment as Elliot finally caught up to her.

"Do you know where she was going?" he asked, obviously having heard the answer.

"Um…" the doorman began. "Oh, right, she went running, but she didn't come back. Oh, that's weird… I don't know what to tell you." He shrugged before returning to his post to open the door for a woman who was walking into the building.

Olivia slowly turned to look at Elliot, who looked just as worried as she did. Not only had Casey been running to begin with, but she never came back and she had left the night before.

Elliot slowly pulled out his phone and dialed Cragen's number. "Captain, it's Elliot," he began. "Casey's doorman said that she went running last night and she hasn't come back…"

-----

Damn writer's block is back, sorry. And for those of you who wanted Casey to magically get better, I'm sorry but I decided to be a bit more realistic with it. (That wasn't supposed to be an insult of any kind, in case it sounded like one. It was just a slightly sarcastic comment.)


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, so here's the actual chapter.

By the way I suck and I haven't proofread yet... sorry!

-----

Olivia paced back and forth between the desks in the squad room, waiting for any information as to where Casey was. She knew that Casey could simply be taking a day off or something like that, but she couldn't just stop worrying. It wasn't like Casey to disappear, and she would never miss a trial.

"Liv," Elliot said as he laid his hands on her shoulders, stopping her in her path. "Calm down, everything is going to be okay."

Olivia glared at him. "You don't even know that." She shrugged away from him and continued pacing back and forth.

"She's tough, Liv, she'll be fine."

"Elliot, she was out running, _alone_, at night. She may be tall, but she's so weak now there's no way she could fight off a guy if he tried anything, and anyone could tell that by just looking at her! El, she could be _anywhere_!"

All of the men remained silent. They were all equally as worried, but none of them truly wanted to believe that their ADA was in real danger. Ever since she was attacked in her office they had become even more protective of her, but she just continued to push them away.

"Liv, I'm sure she's okay, don't worry," Munch assured her from his desk.

"What if she's not?" she asked quietly as she sunk down into her desk chair. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if Casey got hurt again. She wasn't even sure why, but she knew she'd feel guilty nonetheless. "What if she's hurt? What if someone hurt her? What if she's passed out in the middle of nowhere, alone?"

"Liv, stop it," Elliot said gently. "We'll find her, don't worry."

Olivia slowly looked up to meet his glance as her eyes brimmed with tears. "Maybe not soon enough."

---

The first thing she noticed was the pain in the back of her head, and the steady beeping from the machine next to her. As her eyes slowly fluttered open, she realized much to her dismay that she was in a hospital bed. She winced as she laid her eyes on the IV in her arm. She slowly brought her other hand to the tender spot on the back of her head and tried to piece together what had landed her back in the hospital.

"Ms. Novak, are you awake?" a young doctor asked as he stepped into the room. She nodded distantly, though she was in a daze and was still bewildered as to where she was. She didn't recognize the hospital at all; it was not one that she had ever been to.

"Where am I?" she asked hoarsely as the doctor stepped closer to her bed. She continued to glance around the room looking for anything familiar, but with no success.

"You're in Poughkeepsie," the doctor informed her. She raised her eyebrows in confusion, wondering how on earth she had ended up there. "A young couple was out in the park when they noticed you passed out on the side of the path. You have a minor concussion, assumedly from when you fell, so that is what the contusion on the back of your head is from. You also had a seizure once you got here, which really isn't a good sign, Casey."

She nodded weakly, still slightly in a daze. "But I'm okay?" she finally asked.

The doctor's face turned to a concerned frown as he stared at her with pity. "Well, not exactly. In fact you've done a lot of damage to yourself, Casey, and I'm afraid there's a lot we have to talk about. Now I know that you are suffering from anorexia, but do you understand what that has done to you physically?"

Casey shrugged, indicating that she did not know, but in all honesty she didn't really want to. Although she truly knew the negative effects of what she was doing, they didn't outweigh the positives. She _would_ reach her goal weight, and no doctor was going to stop her.

"I see that you are currently getting help on an outpatient basis, but I'm afraid we are going to have to admit you here for a while, at least until we fix the health problems," the doctor began. Casey immediately tensed up at the thought of having to stay in the hospital.

"After that we cannot force you to remain in treatment on an inpatient basis, but I would highly recommend it, Casey, because I don't think you truly understand the severity of your disorder.

"First of all, you're suffering from both anemia and hypoglycemia. Anemia is a blood disorder and hypoglycemia means you have a dangerously low glucose level in your blood. You also have an electrolyte imbalance, which is very dangerous, Casey. These are all common in patients with anorexia nervosa, but they can't go untreated."

Casey listened as the doctor rambled on, but she felt her body go numb almost instantly. While she knew that what she should have been most concerned about was her health, what made her blood run cold was the doctor telling her that she would have to stay in the hospital. She knew exactly what that meant; she had spent time in an inpatient facility before, and it was certainly not an experience she intended to relive. She tuned him out as he continued, but she waited patiently for him to finish before she interrupted him.

"What time is it?" The doctor shot her a confused glance.

"That's what you have to say?" he questioned as he stared at her blankly. He had just revealed quite a list of medical problems that she really did need to deal with, but that just made her more determined to shut it out. She just shrugged and nodded.

"It's about 12:30 on Thursday, why?" he finally said. Casey gasped as she shook her head and just reached for her phone.

"Casey…" the doctor tried again, but she just shook her head and shooed him out of the room.

---

Olivia jumped as the sound of her phone ringing cut through the eerie silence in the squad room. No one had been talking since there truly was not much that could be said. Olivia was just thankful that at the moment there weren't any major breaks in any cases that needed their attention immediately, because she knew she couldn't give it.

"Benson," she answered without even glancing at the caller ID. She heard someone sigh weakly on the other end before speaking.

"Liv?"

Olivia jumped out of her seat at the sound of Casey's voice as she felt a wave of relief wash over her. It worried her that Casey's voice sounded so weak, but she was just glad to be hearing from her at all.

"Casey!" she exclaimed. All of the detectives looked up as she shouted her name, and each one of them visibly relaxed now that they knew where Casey was. "Where are you? Everyone's been looking for you; you weren't—"

"I know, Liv," Casey interrupted softly. "I'm so sorry I missed the trial; Donnelly's going to kill me. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay, but I really need to call her now before I officially lose my job."

"Wait!" Olivia exclaimed. "Where are you?"

"Poughkeepsie," Casey responded quickly, then ended the call before Olivia could say a word.

-----

As soon as Elliot pulled the car into the closest parking space to the door Olivia shot out of the car and toward the door. He stood up as quickly as he could and followed her, but she was already talking to an employee by the time he had reached the door.

"Excuse me, can you tell me what room Casey Novak is in?" he heard her asking as he approached. He didn't quite hear the woman's answer, so he just raced after Olivia as she took off down the hall.

"Casey!" Olivia exclaimed as she turned sharply, immediately slowing down and strolling into the room. Elliot followed close behind her, but he could barely stand to look at the bed in front of him. In it lay the youngest member of their squad—and they did consider her a part of the squad even though she wasn't a detective—looking more weak and fragile than he could almost take. He watched as Olivia slowly sunk down on the bed next to the frail body as he just stood awkwardly in the corner.

"Casey, we were so worried," Olivia told her. Elliot remained in the corner uncomfortably shifting his feet; he had no idea what to say and really did not want to make anyone angry. He just watched as Olivia sat close to Casey, taking her into her arms and saying all the right things. Finally he walked over to the bed and slowly sunk down into the chair next to the bed.

As Casey smiled weakly up at him he felt his heart break as he observed the way she looked. Her eyes were sunken, her bones were protruding, and she just looked so pale and weak she barely looked alive; it was as if someone had come and literally sucked the life right out of her. He forced himself to smile back as he took her hand in his, hating how even her hand felt so light in his.

"I'm really sorry," Casey said softly. Olivia pulled the younger woman even closer to herself, and Elliot responded by squeezing her hand gently.

"Don't be sorry, sweetie, we just have to get you through this, okay?" Olivia soothed as she brushed strands of Casey's hair out of her eyes and pushed them behind her ears. Elliot stared in confusion when he noticed that some of Casey's hair was literally falling out with the gesture, but Olivia didn't seem shocked as she discreetly pushed it away, so he tried his best not to worry either.

"They're making me stay here. They said they have to fix my…. Um…" she trailed off.

"What is it?" Elliot asked, his curiosity peaked. Casey furrowed her brow as if she was trying to remember, and he assumed that she hadn't really been listening when the doctor had been talking to her.

"Umm… god, I don't remember. I have some things wrong… a blood thing and a glucose thing I think? And something has to be balanced… I don't know."

Olivia smiled weakly at Casey before looking up at Elliot once again.

"El, could you go talk to someone about getting her transferred to Mercy?" He smiled and nodded gratefully as he carefully lowered Casey's hand to the bed before releasing it. She looked at him in confusion and he knew that it was bothering her that he was treating her like she was so fragile, but she truly looked that way. He was just grateful that he could help in a more subtle way without actually having to speak, since lately he had not been too successful with that. He bent down and gently placed a kiss on Casey's forehead before he turned and strode out of the room.

-----

All righhhtttt, now here's a real update! Haha.

Please review! I'm bringing back the family next chapter by the way, to all of you who mentioned that. :)


	13. Chapter 13

Some things are just really hard to write about, sorry.

* * *

As Aly stood in the doorway of her sister's hospital room, it took all of her strength not to break down in tears. She loved her twin sister with all of her heart, and the guilt weighed heavily on her. She thought back to all those years ago when she had been sick the first time. They had fought constantly with her—she refused to eat, they would try to force her, and she would just resist them more. They finally had to drag her, practically kicking and screaming, to an inpatient facility. She heard the doctors tell her parents that Casey's anorexia was severe, and that they were lucky they brought her in when they did, or else there was a very high chance that she would have died from it.

"You going to come in or you just going to stand there?" she finally heard a voice ask, pulling her out of her thoughts. She looked up and locked eyes with Casey, who was staring at her with a puzzled look.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she asked as she slowly made her way to the bed. Casey only shrugged.

"Casey…" Aly began, but had to stop immediately because she knew that if she said another word she would break down sobbing. That was the way it was with her and Casey—when one of them felt pain the other felt it too, and it was killing her to see Casey in so much of it.

WhenAly reached the bed she slowly and carefully lowered herself onto it so that she was lying next to her sister. She gatheredCasey'sweightless body in her arms, holding her close to herself. She was so afraid to touch her sister; it was as if she would break if anyone touched her at all. Aly couldn't help but focus on Casey's body. Just from lying next to her she could feel Casey's protruding hip bones. When Casey wrapped her arm around Aly's stomach, Aly instantly noticed how sickly thin Casey's arms were. She was pale, her eyes were sunken in her face, and her hair was not only thin and brittle, but falling out on the pillow.

"You need to get help, Case," Aly finally said as she rubbed Casey's back comfortingly.

"I know I do."

"Please, check into a facility. You can sign yourself in and you can sign yourself out just as easily."

Casey shook her head. "I'll get help in outpatient, but I'm not going to inpatient, Al."

"Casey, look at you!" Aly practically yelled. "You look _sick_. This has gone way too far. I don't want to lose you." As soon as Aly noticed that Casey had allowed the tears to fall from her eyes, she couldn't help but let her falls as well.

"I just don't want to go to inpatient. I swear, I'll go to outpatient and I'll get better. You just have to trust me." Aly could hear the determination in Casey's voice, and she nodded slowly before pulling her sister even closer to herself.

"I want to do a family session, Al. Not everyone, but you, Kate and mom… will you?" Casey asked timidly. Aly knew that if Casey admitted to needing her family she was truly asking out of desperation.

"Of course." She clung to her sister with all her might, as if she would blow away at any second. She allowed her tears to fall freely until she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Casey shivered as she picked up the phone, partly from being cold, but mostly just because she was nervous. She dialed her mother's number then sat back and waited for the familiar voice to pick up.

"Casey, how are you sweetie?" her mother answered cheerily.

"Hi mom, I'm okay, how are you?"

"I'm fine, dear, though you don't sound like you are. What's wrong?" Casey sighed at how well her mother knew her. She took a deep breath, knowing she had to just come out with the truth.

"Mom, the truth is that I'm not doing too well." She heard her mother inhale sharply, and she could practically see her mother making the sign of the cross.

"What is it?" her mom asked in a strained voice.

"Well, I don't really know how to say this… but basically I relapsed." There was silence on the other end.

"Anorexia?" she asked bluntly. Casey cringed at the word—it wasn't that she denied that she had it, because she had reached the point of acceptance long ago, it was just that it felt so odd to put a title to it.

"Yeah, mom, but I'm getting help."

"How much do you weigh?" her mother finally asked.

"Mom!"

"Well?"

"I'm not telling you that, stop it." She heard her mother sigh obviously on the other line.

"I'm coming to see you, Casey. Will you be home later today?"

"I should be. Would you be willing to do a family session? My therapist said it would probably be beneficial to get down to the root of my problems and stuff, you know?"

"Of course. I'll see you later," her mother responded before ending the call. Casey slowly brought her hand up to her eyes and rubbed them for a moment, suddenly becoming even more exhausted than she was.

"Case?" she heard someone ask nervously from the hallway. She smiled instantly when she recognized her older sister, who of course looked as beautiful and slim as always.

"You were my next call." She sat up as her sister walked closer to the bed and sat on the foot of it. While Aly was just as supportive as always through everything, the whole situation seemed to make Kate nervous, even though she was the oldest one; every time it came up she would pull away.

"What? I don't even get a hug?" Casey asked softly, truly only half kidding. She saw Kate smile before she opened her arms and embraced her sister, who pulled her into a tighter hug, moving closer to her on the bed.

"You're so little," Kate whispered uncomfortably. Casey stared at her lap, unsure of how to even respond to that. Casey just stared ahead at the wall as she felt Kate inspecting every inch of her. She had never felt so uncomfortable with her sister.

"How can you do this to yourself, Casey?" she finally asked, her voice sounding accusing and irritated.

"I'm sorry," Casey whispered, tears springing to her eyes. She shivered and crawled further under the blanket, turning slightly to face the other way.

"I'm not blaming you, I just don't know how to help you."

Casey sat up instantly, sick of everyone acting like that. It wasn't Kate specifically that had been bothering her, it was just everyone and the whole situation.

"You can't help me! No one can help me!" she screamed, tears falling down her cheeks. "You don't get it! Everyone tries to help but no one can actually do anything. No one can make it go away. It's never going to go away!" she brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, hiding her face in shame. She shivered again when she felt a hand gently rest on her back.

"I'm sorry, Casey…" Kate said softly, her voice trailing off.

"Look, my therapist recommended a family session. Aly and mom already said they would, will you come?" Casey asked, though she would not be surprised if Kate made up an excuse.

"Sure, just let me know," Kate finally said before standing up and turning toward the door.

"I have to go, we'll talk later." Casey nodded slightly as she watched her sister leave, then let herself fully break down.

* * *

As Fin approached the hospital room he thought he heard someone crying. He debated giving her time, but instead simply knocked on the door and entered the room.

"Hey Novak," he greeted, causing her to jump and look up in panic. Her emerald eyes were glistening with tears, which she tried furiously to wipe away. He gave her a sad smile before he walked over and sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"It's okay to cry, baby," he assured her as he grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. She nodded, but continued to wipe her tears away with her other hand.

"I'm worried about you," he admitted softly. She stared up at him with such sadness in her eyes he just wanted to hug her and make it all go away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice meek and fragile.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you think you're fat? Because you're not, Case. You never were, and now you're just too skinny."

She shrugged and kept her eyes down, averting his glance.

"You don't have to be embarrassed; just look at me," he said. Slowly she complied and he could see that she was fighting off a new wave of tears.

"I was fat, Fin. I just don't know anymore." She shrugged then leaned back into her pillow. "I guess it's a control thing, too."

He stared at her in bewilderment for two reasons: The first being how she thought she was fat. When he stared at her he saw one of the most beautiful girls in the world, who had a body to die for. Second of all, he didn't really understand the control thing.

"I can't explain it, don't worry about it," she said as if she could read his mind. "It's just… I don't know." He nodded slowly, considering what she was saying. When he looked up again she was staring at him expectantly, and she looked so miserable. He stared back at her, feeling guilty, like it was entirely his fault. He knew it wasn't, but they all just wanted her to be happy. No matter who was in that bed and no matter why they were there, they were family. He quickly moved his position from the chair to the bed as he gathered her weightless body in his arms and held her tight.


	14. Chapter 14 AN, no update yet

Hey everyone,

Sorry about this… I'm sure it's annoying to think I've updated and then get this little useless note, but I need seriousssss help before I continue this, because I honestly have no idea where to go. I really, really need suggestions, or else this is just going to like… end like this, and that would just be the worst ending ever.

Please help:(


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you guys for your suggestions :)

* * *

Casey sat nervously bouncing her legs up and down as she waited for her therapist to call her name. Finally, nearly two weeks after scheduling the appointment, she was having a session with her family and her therapist.

She was sitting between Aly and her mother, with Kate sitting on the other side of Aly. Her mother and Kate were both absorbed in magazines from the waiting room, while Aly was just playing with her phone.

Casey couldn't help but observe how gorgeous her twin sister looked. Her hair was perfectly styled and colored. She was wearing clothing that Casey would never be able to pull off, and looked amazing… and they were only at a _doctor's_ office.

She then looked over from Aly to Kate, who looked amazing as well. She was simply in sweats with her hair thrown messily into a bun, but Casey couldn't have competed with her even if she had spent hours on her makeup and was decked out in an evening gown.

"Stop," Aly demanded, placing her hand on Casey's knee, forcing Casey to stop moving. Casey looked up to meet Aly's stern glance, then immediately looked away dejectedly and pushed her twin's hand off of her knee.

"Oh for the love of god, Casey, it's not a big deal, I just asked you to stop." Aly turned her attention back to her phone and shifted over in her chair so that she wasn't touching Casey at all anymore. Casey just rolled her eyes and turned her body slightly away from Aly.

"Casey?" Kathy, her therapist, finally called, sticking her head out of her office door. Casey practically wanted to throw her arms around Kathy and thank her for rescuing her from the awkwardness of the waiting room. She quickly stood up and strode toward the room, throwing herself down on the only chair before the rest of her family had even entered the room. She sat silently, staring at the wall and blocking everything else as her family sat on the couch until Kathy's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Okay, Casey, can you please introduce your family to me?"

Casey took a deep breath before speaking. "I guess… this is my twin, Aly. This is my older sister, Kate, and this is my mother, Ellen." She leaned back and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Okay…" Kathy replied, nodding a greeting at Casey's family. "Can you tell me a little bit about them?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "Can't they tell you?"

"I'd rather have you tell me."

"Fine," she relented. "Well, what do you want me to say? Aly is my twin… we have the same birthday? Kate is older than me, and my mother gave birth to me." She smirked at Kathy, hoping that the therapist would get the message that she didn't want to answer the question, but Kathy was either completely oblivious or just wanted to torture her.

"Casey, you're not going to get anything out of this if you won't talk," Kathy scolded. Casey knew that Kathy was waiting for her to answer, but she wasn't ready to talk yet.

"All right, fine, you can talk after. Ellen, can you please tell me about how things were when the girls were little?"

Ellen sat up a little bit straighter and cleared her throat. Casey almost rolled her eyes at her mother's constant obsession with worrying about how she looked in front of other people, but she refrained.

"Well," she began, "Aly and Casey were born four years after Kate… Aly seven minutes before Casey. I have two sons as well, my oldest two children. We had a lovely home—or at least I thought we did. My husband and I love our children, we raised them well. We were a good Catholic family… I just don't know what happened…" She gracefully extracted a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed at her tearing eyes and her nose. Casey forced herself to stare straight ahead so that she wouldn't cry as well, but out of the corner of her eye she could still see her mother making the sign of the cross as usual.

"Ellen, listen to me," she heard Kathy say as she leaned forward and toward Casey's mother. "Just because your daughter developed an eating disorder does not make it your fault. In some circumstances the family environment is the source of the problem, but everything builds off of each other. Even if the problems started at home, nobody is at fault here. It's no one's fault; not yours, not your husband's, not your sons' or daughters', and it's not yours, Casey."

Casey tuned Kathy out and began reciting the Bill of Rights in her head. She had no idea why she did it, and it was something that she would never admit to anyone else, but when she needed to take her mind off something, like trying not to cry, she would often turn her attention to the constitution. She knew it was dorky, but somehow it seemed to calm her. Her mother had started crying harder, but Casey forced herself to keep her eyes on the floor so that it wouldn't make her cry too.

"It was my fault," Aly announced suddenly, startling Casey and making her look up at her twin, who was crying freely. "I know it was my fault. I know you never said it, but I know it was. I don't know why the fuck you always thought that you had to live up to me, but I know that you did. I don't get it, Case, I just don't understand. We look so much alike we're practically identical, and the only reason you were ever even slightly bigger than me was because you played sports and were muscular and I had no muscle. We're twins and I know now that yeah, whatever, rivalry between twins, I get it, but why did you think that you had to compete with me all the time?" By the time that Aly had finished speaking she was practically choking on sobs, and any hope Casey had of not crying was lost.

"I'm sorry," Casey finally managed to spit out through her tears. "I'm sorry, I don't know why. It's not your fault, Al. I don't _know_ why, I'm sorry. You and Kate were just always so damn perfect, I was sick of never being as good."

After a moment of silence, Kate finally spoke up for the first time. "But you _were_, Casey! You practically had straight As all through school. You even did better than Aly in school, how is that second best?"

"That was just school! That doesn't matter to anyone!" Casey argued. "That never mattered to anyone. I was always the ugly one, the fat one. You don't get it! I tried so hard, I really did."

"You were never fat, Casey, for god's sake! And you and Aly are practically identical!" Kate practically yelled.

"Okay, it's good that we're getting this out in the open, but everyone needs to calm down a little bit," Kathy finally cut in.

"Casey," Ellen said softly, turning toward her. "Honey, do you know how much this is hurting us? We just want what is best for you, we always have. We can't lose you. We almost lost you once and we just can't lose you again. Please, just sign yourself into a facility. Let them help you, let them help you feel better. You can always sign yourself out, but if you won't try for yourself at least try for us, and for your friends. I'm begging you, Casey, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for everyone that loves you."

Casey took a deep breath, almost not believing what she was actually about to agree to.

"Fine," she whispered, "I'll go."

* * *

I know, I know, this was _really_ hard to write about. I just had no idea what to write, and updates may take a little bit longer because this part is just not my forte. So yeah, sorry, and let me just tell you suggestions would be the most helpful thing _ever_.

Oh, so also, maybe I shouldn't say this here but whatever: I posted another story recently, _Pain or Protection_... I'm not asking anyone to read the whole thing, necessarily, but if people who are reading this have any free time or desire to read the third chapter and let me know what you think about the writing itself, that would be really appreciated.

Thank you. :)


	16. Chapter 16

Okay, so what the hell

Okay, so what the hell? The real reason I'm writing this is just to say something, but I'd feel bad saying I updated and then not actually doing so.

So anyway, who got the sixth season of SVU? Mine came today! **SO** excited. Slash who read the back of it? "Starring: Christopher Meloni, Mariska Hargitay, Dann Florek, Richard Belzer, Ice-T, B.D. Wong, created by Dick Wolf"

….. hahah, forgetting someone? I mean this completely unbiased by the way, regardless of who they don't have on there they put everyone but one person… niiiiice. I'd be somewhat depressed/offended if that were me.

Okay, since I probably shouldn't take advantage of my stories by using them just for this, quick update.

* * *

"Casey?" Olivia called as she knocked on the door of Casey's apartment. She nervously ran her hands through her hair; she knew that Casey had her family session that day, and she knew that Casey had been dreading it. She hoped that Casey would call her if she needed her, though deep down she knew that it was false hope. Olivia had tried to stay away and wait for Casey to call, but she quickly gave up and made her way over to Casey's apartment.

"Casey!" She called again, banging her fist on the door. She heard movement from inside and heard locks unclick before Casey swung the door open. Olivia looked her over, trying to determine how Casey was feeling by her appearance, but she couldn't really tell.

"Hey," Casey greeted her with an obviously fake smile, which she gave up on almost as soon as it appeared. She moved aside, opening the door wider so that Olivia could step in. She stood there for a moment before walking away from Olivia and toward her couch. She slumped down on it and pulled a blanket over herself, leaving Olivia standing in the doorway.

"You okay?" Olivia asked timidly as she approached the younger woman. When Casey didn't answer her she knelt down in front of her and gently lifted her chin so that Casey was looking straight into her in the eyes. Casey shrugged away from Olivia and pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

"What happened today, Case?" Olivia asked as she stood up and sat down next to Casey on the couch. She slowly and cautiously wrapped her arms around the young ADA's shoulders, being careful not to startle her or make her pull away. To her surprise Casey welcomed the contact and nestled closer to Olivia's body. Olivia wasn't sure if Casey was doing it for the warmth, since she was shivering, or for support, but she would take it either way.

"I had the session today," Casey said quietly. Olivia nodded and began rubbing her hand up and down Casey's arm in an effort to warm her up. "I told… I told my family that I'd…" Casey immediately buried her face into Olivia's shoulder as her own shoulders started quivering, no longer from the cold but from the tears. Olivia sat for a moment lightly rubbing Casey's back, giving her all the time she needed.

"What did you tell them, Case?" Olivia finally pushed.

Casey shuddered and pulled herself away form Olivia, furiously wiping at her tears. "I told them I would go… you know… to…" she trailed off and wiped away the last of her tears, but the pain was still obvious in her eyes.

"Treatment?" Olivia asked carefully, not wanting Casey to pull away anymore. The mere word, "treatment," however, caused Casey to do just that. The young attorney quickly stood up and hurried around the room, organizing the useless items on her coffee table and her desk. Olivia sat back and waited for her, knowing that once Casey built her walls back up it would take an army to break them back down.

"Are you going to go?" Olivia finally asked a couple of minutes later as Casey began settling down. As expected Casey continued to pace around for a couple more minutes before she finally settled down on the couch next to Olivia.

"I just don't know anymore, Liv." Olivia turned and watched the internal struggle play out on the younger woman's face before she finally let the tears fall. She turned away from Olivia and covered her face, but Olivia immediately reached over and gathered Casey into her own arms. Casey struggled and tried to pull away at first, but Olivia held onto the shaking woman until Casey finally gave in and relaxed against her.

* * *

Meh, I really don't know what to write here, I have no idea. Reviews would be really really appreciated, because they've been somewhat slow lately. Sorry it's really short by the way.

In all honesty I just needed to at least share the season six DVD thing with SOMEONE. How exciting was it getting it in the mail today? Made my day.

Seriously though, if you were on a TV show and they listed everyone on the cover except for you… Jesus, now that's just harsh. :p


	17. Chapter 17

This chapter was, though edited and updated by me, mostly written by someone who wants to remain anonymous. It will probably go between my style and her style, but I am in no way taking credit for her work. She's amazing and I wouldn't have been able to write this without her… seriously.

* * *

Casey sighed as she glanced around her bland, tasteless room. She couldn't believe what she had agreed to, and she was really regretting it now. There she was, back in an inpatient facility complete with their formidable rules and structure, and with the staff watching everything like hawks. It wasn't the highest-ranking clinic in the planet, but it was far enough away that she wasn't in danger of anyone finding out where she truly was, yet she was close enough that she didn't have to travel too far.

She felt slightly out of place since most of other patients at this hospital were younger, maybe twenty-five at most. She could deduce immediately that they were not a drinking crowd, and after the last few days the thought of a stiff drink had a glimmer of appeal.

Truly nothing had been going well at the clinic for Casey thus far. It was a different one than she had been confined to the first time since that one had shut down awhile back due to merging of hospital corporations. She was glad to get away from New York for a while, away from anyone who knew or cared that she was Cassandra Novak, one of the best assistant district attorney's New York had to offer. She was glad to be away from her family, and, even strangely enough, she was glad to be away from Olivia and the rest of the detectives.

She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to know that the prospect of scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast had this ADA in tears. She didn't want anyone to know that her only way of keeping composure at mealtimes was to recite as much of the constitution as she could remember off of the top of her head at that given moment in time. She had never been more ashamed in her life.

It was now her fourth day at the hospital, and even she had to admit that she really had made no progress. The doctors had given her time, which she couldn't appreciate more, but she knew deep down that it was only a matter of time before her grace period would be over. A steady knocking on her door interrupted her thoughts, and she cursed out loud when she realized who it was. As expected, her therapist filed in, followed by the head doctor. Casey said nothing, but sat up to face them as they each pulled a chair over to her bed. Casey brought her knees up to chest and rested her chin on them, focusing on the spot right between their heads so that she would look polite enough to be facing them without having to make eye contact.

"Casey, we understand that coming here has disrupted your life and your routine," her therapist started. Casey rolled her eyes at the therapists ignorance—they had no idea how much this had disrupted her entire life. For the first time Casey truly wished she were just visiting a sick family member like she had told everyone.

When Casey had made it obvious that she wasn't going to respond to them, the head doctor spoke up. "Since you've been here, you've shown us that you're not capable of eating enough to nourish your body. At this point we need to discuss other options to get nutrition into your body."

Casey snapped to attention, staring the doctor straight in the eyes; she knew exactly where this was going. "I'll start eating, I'll do whatever you tell me to, just keep the feeding tube option off the table," Casey pleaded, breaking into tears that she didn't even bother trying to conceal.

"Casey, you've had three days to 'start eating' and do 'whatever' we've told you to do. The medications have been helping you sleep, but you're hardly eating, you pick at your food and you have a truly fantastic gift of spending 25 minutes slowly moving your food in a counterclockwise position around your plate without even putting the fork in your mouth. You seem to forget we do this for a living, and we know better than anyone that moving food around on your plate does not mean that you are actually eating it."

"You can't insert a feeding tube without consent. I am an adult, and that would constitute assault and battery." Casey was close to panicking and trying to come up with the best legal-sounding defense she could find, regardless of any truth there was to it if need be.

Her lead doctor spoke in again, smoothly, not missing a beat; she obviously understood what Casey was doing. "We could take this all to court, if you'd like. We could have a judge deem you incapable of making decisions for your own health, and then we would be back at this same conversation in 72 hours. The only difference, however, will be that you will no longer be a voluntary patient. In that case we will have a court order to administer appropriate therapy, even if that means tying you down to a bed and tube feeding you against your will until you are willing to eat on your own."

Casey glared at her doctor through her tears, never having hated another human being more in her life. On top of everything she hated losing an argument, but the doctor did have a point. She could fight this, but she wasn't sure she could summon up the fight within her. Furthermore, a judge would honestly have to be an idiot to declare her competent at this moment in her life; she wouldn't admit it to anyone, but her reality was drumming to a different tune and her own thoughts weren't entirely making sense to her.

Casey brushed the tears from her face. "So, if I consent, what are you going to do to me?"

"We'll insert a feeding tube and start administering a nutritional supplement. We'll take it slow since it may take some time for your digestive system to get back on track. When you show us that you can handle eating food, we'll taper off, first just to night, and when you're eating enough to sustain your body, we'll take out the feeding tube."

It was logical, it made sense, and it made every cell in her body recoil. For the second time that week, she said something she knew was right, but still that scared her to death. "Okay, I'll do it"

* * *

Two days later, she was curled up in a ball in her hospital bed, mentally condemning herself for uttering the words "Okay, I'll do it". The feeding tube "insertion" was not a pleasant experience—a technician holding her head still while a nurse jammed a long silicone tube up Casey's nose and snaked it down her throat. It wasn't painful any longer, but it was an irritation nonetheless. The biggest irritation to her was the machine responsible for forcing the nutritional formula into her; its two toned hum sounded like a consistent "you FAILED, you FAILED, you FAILED."

Casey couldn't help but smile with irony. Maybe she really was crazier than she thought; the machine apparently had a voice and was talking to her.

She spent most of the last two days in her room, only going out for the mandatory morning weigh-ins, where she stood on a scale backwards and could only imagine whatever horrendous numbers were being read by the staff, even though they would never tell her what they were.

She knew she needed to go out and join the group at some point. The staff was rather tolerant and had given her space for the last couple days, but she highly doubted that was going to last much longer. Her therapist, her nutritionist and her doctor were all coming into her room daily, individually, pulling up a chair and trying to reason with her.

Towards the end of the third day, she heard someone knock on her door tentatively, which immediately indicated that it wasn't someone on the staff. After Casey called that the person could come in, a young, petite woman with strawberry blonde hair cautiously walked in and sat on the empty bed opposite of Casey's own bed. "My name is Amy" the girl started. "Come watch the movie tonight."

"What's playing?" Casey asked sarcastically, giving the stranger the benefit of the doubt.

Amy laughed. "We've been having an ongoing battle between the Brad Pitt fans and the Tom Cruise fans. I think tonight we settled on "Interview With A Vampire" so hopefully the only bloodshed will be on-screen."

Casey tried her very best to offer a smile, but after so many days of refusing any sense of happiness she had to admit that it was highly difficult. She felt very old at that moment compared to the rest of the women at the facility, which was different for her considering she was constantly around people that made her feel young and insignificant.

"I'll think about it, Amy," she finally said, expecting the young woman to leave. "Thanks for inviting me."

"We're all a little worried about you, you know." Amy offered.

"And why might that be?" Casey responded blankly.

"Putting yourself in solitary confinement probably isn't the best place to let your mind wander. I've been here for a few months. Right now the crowd is mainly this under 25 crowd, but we're not aliens. I know it may seem like it, but we've had experiences, pasts and families too."

"What brought you here?" Casey knew it was an impolite question considering she had just met Amy, but this child she had pegged for being seventeen seemed to have wisdom beyond her years.

Amy smiled "An airplane, then a taxi, thanks for asking"

Casey chuckled at the girl's sense of humor.

Amy continued "Presuming you didn't mean transportation, I was having trouble hacking it in school and got a little too stressed out."

"School, as in high school?"

"Um… No," Amy smiled again. "I'm twenty three. I'm in my first year of med-school."

"That sounds a little like my first year of Law school, the pressure was so intense I almost caved"

"Did you stay with Law School?" Amy asked, curiously.

"Yeah, I graduated law school. I work as an assistant district attorney in some other state."

"How did you let something as stupid as an eating disorder get in your way? I mean, not that eating disorders are stupid, but you're obviously a brilliant woman; what happened?"

"Well, for me it's really only partly about food, you know? I always thought there was something wrong with me. If I received an A- on a paper at school, I was angry with myself for not having an A. I also have an older sister, and even worse I have a twin, whom I could never compete with. They were always older, prettier, and I just felt like I was somehow insufficient. I felt like I was always living in their shadows.

"I moved to my new position as the assistant district attorney, and the detectives I was working with absolutely… well, I think it's safe to say that we just didn't hit it off well. Long story short their former ADA, my predecessor, may as well have been a god to them. Well, okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but they were devastated that she was gone. They wanted her back and they certainly didn't want me there. They didn't want to talk to me, interact with me, and the stress of the job just was one more thing to deal with. I had to impress my new boss, I had to show new defense attorneys that I was capable, and on top of all of that I had to get along with these new colleagues that basically hated my mere existence. Before I really knew what I was doing, I was running away from my problems. I was channeling everything I couldn't control and focusing on the one thing I could control, my body, just like I did all those years ago when I went through this the first time.

"I realized later that the detectives weren't so bad once they were able to get over their former ADA, but it was just a really rough time for everyone in the unit. Well… it's complicated. Someone attempted to murder her so she had to go into witness protection. Even though everything is easier now, they will never forget Alex. I know they still hope she'll come back, and I know that when she does I'm gone. I know it's terrible to say, but it is almost worse to know that she is still alive and could come back at any time; it's like any second she could walk through the door to my office and I'd be kicked out in a second. My name was mud simply because I was taking Alex's place. We've adjusted by now, I think, but I'll still never forget how things were when I first started. Some of those same detectives who detested me most have become some of my closest friends, but the damage has already been done.

"But the control thing, once I was back again in my old habits, I found that I just couldn't let them go. It's funny, really. I can say it and sound intellectual about it; I can analyze it, but even with all my logic, I can't handle food. I really thought that I was controlling my world by what I chose to eat, until I realized that I didn't have the control to stop. And I guess that's why I'm here" Casey gave a rueful laugh. She was completely shocked by how much she had just opened up to this stranger, especially since there were people there being paid to listen to her like Amy just had, but Amy was just easy to talk to.

"Sounds like a rough position, Casey. I'm no shrink, and I'm no doctor, but I don't think curling up on your bed glaring at the feeding pump is going to solve your problems." Amy stood up and smoothed her flannel lounge pants. "So, how about that movie? I promise, nobody is going to force feed you popcorn or anything."

Almost despite herself, Casey laughed and agreed to join the group.

The movie was just finishing the previews when Casey and Amy entered the central recreation room. Much to her relief nobody seemed to even notice her and Amy quietly slip in, so she simply followed Amy over to a couch and sat down next to her, pushing the real notion of where she was out of her mind for the time being.

* * *

Reviews would be lovely, since the lack of is kind of making me sad lately. :(


	18. Chapter 18

So that same anonymous partner-in-crime of mine wrote basically 92percent of this entire chapter. I just edited. Some things are easier for some people to write for others, so she's been helping me out more than I could even explain… thank you so much. :)

It would be really nice if I proofread, and I know I should, but that's just not happening right now. So update now or proofread and update in a year... :p

This is a loooong chapter.

* * *

As Casey's eyes adjusted to the dark she finally got to truly see the other girls that were there with her, since before she made an effort to ignore them. Her apprehension went up, but the girls all seemed friendly enough.

The movie got started, and after watching it so many times in her younger years, Casey let her mind wander. She wondered what everyone on the squad would be doing at this time of night. _Probably working cases for the next several hours,_ she thought with a rueful smile. She felt a pang knowing that she wasn't there to help prosecute the perps and get warrants for her team. Casey sighed softly.

The movie finished up and one of the girls turned on the overhead deck. A nurse came in announcing "evening snacks" to the girls who were holding back sighs or groans. Each girl ate something slightly different. _Probably thanks to individualized meal plans_. As the girls ate one of the younger girls brought up her favorite TV show American Idol and the young crowd started a debate about who would be eliminated next.

Casey shook her head. Her mind must have been playing tricks on her because the chatter started sounding tinny and fuzzy at the same time. Maybe, she decided, she was just tired. She stood up to go back to her room and her head felt like it was swimming. _Definitely tired._ She started walking down the hallway to her room, and while her head was swimming the walls looked like they were moving around her. She was trying to understand stationary objects moving as her visual cues started dimming on her. Before she could even process what was happening, Casey lost consciousness and fell to the floor.

* * *

Casey listened carefully in confusion as she began to wake up. This definitely wasn't her bed at home—there was too much beeping and not enough honking for New York City. This wasn't her room at the treatment center either. All of the beeping was somewhat melodic, Casey decided, and except for the lump in her throat, she'd be content to listen to this bizarre melody of this place, wherever she was.

Where was she? Exhaustedly, she tried opening her eyes and found herself staring at a light on the ceiling. Definitely too bright. Casey closed her eyes again, and tried to take assessment of her body. Eyes work, good. Fingers wiggle, good. Toes wiggle, good. Suddenly a warm hand was holding the fingers that she had just been trying to move. "Good morning, sleeping beauty," she heard Olivia say beside her as a chair scooted closer to her bed.

Casey opened her eyes wide. Where was she? She turned her head towards Olivia.

Casey knew that fear was evident in her eyes and she didn't pull away as Olivia tried to soothe her. "You were at the treatment center and you collapsed. The doctors are still trying to find out what happened, but they've brought you to a different hospital. You're in the Intensive Care Unit in Philadelphia." Casey tried to clear her throat to ask why and she nearly started gagging.

"Casey, just relax. There's a tube down your throat to help you breathe. You can't talk right now. Just try to relax, I'm right here with you."

Casey's eyelids felt heavy, and Olivia's suggestion to relax sounded like a good one.

A few minutes later, Casey's brain finally started catching up to everything she'd seen. Opening her eyes wide, she tried to sit up so she could figure out what mess she had managed to get into this time. She felt Olivia's warm hand gently but firmly push her down back onto the bed as she watched Olivia press the call button for the hospital staff with her other hand.

A few seconds later a nurse came through the door. "Casey's awake," Olivia said before the nurse could ask what was wrong. The nurse nodded before walking out the door, saying that she was going to call the doctor, leaving Olivia and Casey alone.

"Casey," Olivia said sternly, "don't move, don't thrash. There are a lot of tubes and wires everywhere and you can't break or disconnect them." Olivia looked deeply into Casey's eyes, obviously hoping to find a flicker of understanding. Instead Casey's eyes slowly started filling with tears.

"Please, Case, just be still until the nurse comes back."

Casey closed her eyes, tears spilling out the corners.

Olivia loosened her grip on Casey's shoulder and then slowly, idly started rubbing small circles, trying to soothe the small woman.

The nurse came back in and asked to speak to Olivia, and the two of them moved to the doorway. Casey knew that they moved out of the way so that she couldn't hear what they were saying, but if she strained she found that she could anyway.

"The doctor doesn't want to give Casey any heavy sedation or pain medicine; he's not sure her body can handle it. I have a light sedative to give her to help her rest," she heard the nurse saying faintly.

The nurse walked briskly back into the room and over to one of Casey's multiple IV lines and injected the medication, then after getting a blood pressure she walked out of the room.

Casey opened her eyes and started searching for Olivia. Olivia moved back to her seat beside Casey's bed and took the younger woman's hand in hers. Casey tried to say something, but lost the battle with a silent coughing and gagging fit, sending the ventilator machine into a screaming alarm. Olivia moved her hand over the small, frail one belonging to Casey. "Casey, relax. Don't try to fight it. Do you want me to get a piece of paper so you can write something?" Casey nodded slightly, closed her eyes, and the ventilator alarm stopped.

Olivia went to the nurses' station to ask for paper and a pen. Casey felt her eyes drooping closed as soon as Olivia left the room. She heard Olivia reenter the room and then she heard her stop abruptly. She forced her eyes open to show Olivia that she was still awake—exhausted, but awake.

Olivia gently pressed the pen into Casey's hand and helped her small delicate fingers wrap around the plastic barrel of the pen, and then she centered the paper beneath Casey's pen.

Slowly Casey wrote out the words "Im sorry" (1)

Olivia placed her warm hand on Casey's shoulder and rubbed the small woman's upper arm. "Casey, hon, you don't need to apologize. Its all going to be okay, you just need some time to get better."

"Who knows"

"Who knows that you're here?"

Casey nodded slightly.

"Well, Aly was the one that the treatment center contacted. She called Kate and your mom, and then she called me too. I don't know who else in your family knows. Elliot and Cragen are the only ones at SVU who know aside from me. Cragen hasn't said anything to the DA's office, so they still think you're visiting a sick relative, and he doesn't plan to unless it's necessary."

Casey's eyes filled with tears again, and Olivia reached over and gently brushed away Casey's tears as they fell.

Casey opened her eyes, and tearfully wrote her next question "What now"

"'Now' as in the next five minutes, or 'now' as in from here on out?" Olivia asked.

Casey nodded slightly, indicating that both needed to be answered. "Well, for right now, your job is to rest. Once you're fully conscious and there's no concern of you going into respiratory failure again they'll probably take out the breathing tube and you'll be free to yell and scream at us all. For now, you just rest.

"As for the future… I'm not a doctor, Case, but from what the docs have indicated our priority is to get you medically stabilized before we focus on anything else."

Casey wrapped her fingers around the pen one last time; the task was taking all of her concentration and effort. "Not medically stable" She knew it didn't make complete sense, but she hoped Olivia understood enough to answer.

Casey noticed Olivia sigh softly, which meant it probably was not something Casey wanted to hear. "Do you remember being at the center?" Olivia started carefully. Casey nodded softly. "You lost consciousness one night and after that you started having trouble breathing. I don't know all the medical tests, but there were some problems with your blood work. The doctors are fixing that problem now. You've been unconscious for nearly three days, Casey, and we need to find out why."

Casey picked up the pen and scrawled slowly "Im sorry"

Olivia sighed softly and once again took the woman's frail hand into her own, looking deeply into Casey's green eyes. "Honey, there's nothing for you to be sorry for. Nobody blames you for any of this. You've gotten in over your head, and we're going to help you out."

Olivia leaned over, and gently wrapped her arm around the frail woman, giving her a warm hug. At first Casey started to pull away, as she was sure Olivia was expecting, but as an afterthought she wrapped her arm around Olivia and held her close for a moment. In mere seconds Casey's arm went slack as sleep finally took over.

* * *

When Elliot finally noticed Casey's eyes opening slowly, he wasn't surprised that they immediately filled with shock and confusion. As she looked over to him her eyes grew wide, and he could only assume that she was expecting Olivia to be there rather than him.

"Hey, Casey," he said, the closest he could come up with for a greeting to the frail woman, who obviously looked shocked that he was there.

"I had the day off and decided to leave the city and visit a friend." He smiled at Casey, and although he was sure she knew that there was more to the story she couldn't argue either way.

"The nurses asked me to come get them i…w-when you woke up, so I'll be right back." Elliot stood up and strode out the door, mentally admonishing his slip up and hoping that it had gone unnoticed by Casey. (2)

He was back a moment later, and as he sat down beside her again he picked up her hand and wrapped his own two hands around it, idly trying to get some warmth back into the frail woman's limbs.

Casey just looked at him, her eyes taking in the details of her friend. He looked up and met her gaze, not sure what to say, if anything, to fill the relative silence. "I'm glad you're awake, Casey," he said, not breaking his gaze, though he knew the relief was apparent in his eyes anyway.

The doctor, nurse and a couple other people in hospital garb came in at that moment, and Elliot gently let go of Casey's hand and politely waited outside the door.

* * *

"Casey, My name is Howard Sampson. I'm one of the residents in charge of your care while you've been in the ICU. How are you feeling?"

Casey tried to clear her throat to say something, and again found herself in a fit of silent coughing and gagging. Her eyes started to well up from the effort to overcome her own reflexes.

The doctor looked over to the respiratory therapist and inquired about Casey's breathing. After getting the report that everything was going well, the doctor turned back to Casey.

"How about we take that breathing tube out for you?" Casey nodded in agreement. The respiratory technician disconnected the respirator, and the doctor waited a moment, making sure that Casey was adequately breathing on her own. The doctor took out a syringe and deflated the cuff on the tube, then removed the plastic and straps that had been keeping the tube anchored.

"Alright, Casey, I'm going to have you take a deep breath, then you're going to blow out really hard."

Casey took a deep breath as instructed and the next instant she was doubled over coughing as the tube was removed.

The nurse held up a cup with a straw to Casey's lips, and her eyes looked up to the nurse and widened. "Just water, honey, drink some."

Casey took a few sips, hoping to make the nurse go away, but then realized belatedly how dry her own mouth had become.

The doctor and respiratory tech kept an eye on her for a few minutes, talking at the foot of her bed in hushed tones.

The hospital staff trickled out of her room, and when the room was empty, there was a soft knock at her door, followed by Elliot entering. He took up residence at the seat he had previously occupied several minutes before, and automatically his hand went around hers again, trying to rub some warmth into her body. Casey normally would have pulled away, but at the time she didn't mind.

"Where's Olivia?" Casey asked, sounding hoarse, but at the same time relieved to hear her own voice.

"Probably at the 1-6. Do you want me to call her for you?"

His free hand started reaching to the phone beside her bed.

"No… I don't need that… no"

"Would you like me to call Aly or your mom or anyone?"

Casey took a deep breath and sighed softly. "No." Tears started welling up in her eyes. "Thank you for offering, Elliot."

"Whats wrong Casey?"

_Absolutely everything, El. I'm in some strange hospital and I hate hospitals and I have no idea what is going on and I don't really know why I'm here and I don't know when I can leave and get back to my life_

Casey sighed softly and wiped away her tears. "Nothing."

Elliot gently took her other hand into his own and looked into her eyes. "Casey, that may possibly be the wettest 'nothing' this side of the Delaware River." He smiled softly at her, trying to reassure her that everything was going to be okay while he was with her.

"Elliot?" She looked up at him. "When can I go home?"

"Now that sounds like the Casey I know" Elliot winked. Casey noticed immediately that he evaded answering her question, most likely because he either did not know the exact answer or he did not want to upset her any further. "Next you'll be asking for cases to prosecute and I'll have to break your heart when I say that I forgot to bring any files with me."

Casey laughed at the random absurdity of his comment. "I'll be able to go back, right? Will I lose my position at SVU?" She looked at him intently, wondering if he'd lie to her just to make her feel better.

He squeezed her hand. "We don't want anyone but you, Casey. There's nobody taking over your assignment to the best of my knowledge. For now we're back to juggling cases with whichever ADA that the DA is willing to share with us. We used to do that before Alex. She was the first ADA assigned to our unit and somehow we survived without an ADA to call our own."

Casey winced at the mere mention of Alex. She couldn't help but worry that Alex would return while she was gone and reclaim her position, even though deep down Casey knew that Alex was in witness protection and wasn't returning any time soon.

"What's wrong, Case?" Elliot asked, not oblivious to Casey stiffening at the mention of her predecessor.

Casey looked up into his crystal clear blue eyes and pondered for a moment before deciding to go for broke and just say what was on her mind.

"Have I done an okay job for SVU? I know I'll never be Alex."

"Casey?" Elliot began. She could tell that Elliot was having trouble answering the question, but she knew that her eyes conveyed enough intensity to get him to answer.

"Casey, you have the highest conviction rate of anyone in the DA's office. You are more than just a qualified attorney—you are a very respected and loved part of our team. You're family, Case. Alex was a good friend too and we grieved losing her. Jesus Christ himself couldn't have taken her place smoothly, and I know things were rocky when you first were assigned to SVU. I hope that you know that we all respect you and think you've done an incredible job. When you're ready, we want you back, both as our kick-ass ADA and as our good friend."

Casey's eyes had began drifting closed, and she moved her hand on top of Elliot's

"El?" she started, sleepily, "Thank you."

Elliot could only ponder what his favorite redhead ADA was referring to, as she was quickly sound asleep.

* * *

Casey blinked her eyes open several hours later and glanced to the chair beside her bed. It was empty. She was kind of relieved; she wasn't sure who else would be popping in and out or if she wanted them. The clock on the wall said it was nearly nine. There were no windows in the room and Casey couldn't guess if it was the middle of the morning or the middle of the evening.

She did feel like a fog was being lifted from her brain, and as she became more and more awake she was finally able to take-in her surroundings. There was so much medical equipment around that her room seemed slightly otherworldly, and Casey realized with a sinking realization that everything was connected to her. For all the control she wanted in her life, she had no control over where she was and now what was happening to her own body. The monitors steadily beeped, no longer slightly musical, but an ominous sound.

Casey was pulled out of her thoughts by the sounds of someone entering her room. Aly. Casey closed her eyes, hoping that she'd leave thinking Casey was still asleep.

"You do know that when you decide to open your eyes again I won't have vanished like you wanted me to."

Casey opened her eyes and glared at her sister.

"Its nice to finally see you awake," Aly said with a smile as she sat down in the seat beside Casey's bed.

"How are you feeling?" she continued

Casey just looked at her sister as though she were some alien creature that had just appeared with a third head. What kind of answer was Aly looking for? Casey looked down at the floor, not ready to share exactly how she was feeling.

"Mmm… I'm okay I guess," Casey muttered softly.

"Is that the new variation for 'I hate the world and I wish you'd just go fuck off'?" Aly asked

"Yeah, that sums it up, basically," Casey replied.

"Tough, sweetie, you're here, I'm here, and mom's admonished us enough times to play nicely, so there will be no bloodshed this morning," Aly said. Casey knew that Aly loved her, but she also knew that Aly had not understood what was happening when they were younger, so she hadn't offered much support. Aly had minored in Psychology while getting her fine arts degree in college, however, so Casey knew that her sister understood better this time around. While they were so close that they had shared a room up until the day that they left home, they were so distant emotionally that they may as well have occupied different countries.

"How long have you been here?" Casey asked.

"Today, about an hour," Allison replied.

"What do you mean, 'today'?" Casey inquired.

"As soon as I was notified that they moved you to the ICU, I came down. That was six days ago, Case."

"Six days?" Casey was incredulous. "What the hell happened to me?"

Aly sighed softly, as everyone seemed to be doing, and it was bothering Casey more and more each time. Aly knew that Casey was either going to get angry and start yelling or get angry and become silent.

"Right now, we're not certain," Aly answered softly. "When the ambulance brought you to the ER everything was out of whack. Your heart was too slow, your breathing wasn't good… I don't know entirely what else happened except that you wouldn't wake up." Aly took a deep breath, obviously cautious of Casey's emotions.

Casey's eyes filled with tears, but she made no effort to blink them back.

"Casey, I wasn't certain you were going to wake up, and if you did, if you were going to wake up as the same person I've known my whole life."

Casey's green eyes flicked to the nearly identical pair sitting beside her, stunned at what she heard, and then equally stunned to see tears glistening in her sister's eyes.

Her eyelids started feeling heavy again, despite the emotional turmoil in the room, and she reached out and set her frail hand on her sister's slender arm.

"I love you, Al, please don't cry. I'm going to be just fine"

Aly smiled as she pulled a tissue out. "Fine is not a good word for your vocabulary, Casey. 'Fine' is what got you here in the first place."

Casey's eyes started drooping, and although she tried to hide it, Aly clearly noticed. "Get some rest, sweetheart," she said as she gently kissed her sister on her forehead.

* * *

Shortly after Aly's departure, Casey opened her eyes and was shocked to be faced with the doctor from the treatment center. Casey's features darkened as she remembered her feelings for the woman.

"So Casey, how are we feeling today?" the doctor asked.

Casey raised an eyebrow, slightly disgusted that someone would have the disrespect to refer to her as somehow multiple people.

"We?" she began, finding her voice. "How many people are you asking the wellbeing of, doctor?"

"Just you, Casey." The doctor smirked, seemingly amused by Casey's bitterness.

"Now that we've cleared up that obstacle, I'm doing just fine, thank you."

"That's a line of crap, Casey."

"And that takes a lot of audacity for you to say."

"Casey, you're in the ICU, you've been touch and go, we already know you hate hospitals… and you're insisting that you're fine.

"I'll go out on a limb here, but I'm going to guess that maybe you're not feeling so fine. Let's talk about what is going on now and where we're headed from here. We're treating your bradycardia, which is your slow heart rate. That's one of the medications in your IV. The other medication in your IV is to help keep your blood pressure high enough that you don't cause damage to yourself. We're keeping a close eye on your heart rhythm, too. The second IV line is just saline; you've been pretty dehydrated; we didn't even realize how dehydrated you were. We've removed the feeding tube."

"So we're done with that now" Casey interjected, relief flowing through her body.

"For the time being, yes. The doctors inserted a central line—an IV that goes directly to the blood vessels leading to your heart. If you've felt discomfort by your left collarbone, that's what it is, and for now, all the nutrition you need is being supplied through the central line."

"What do you mean all the nutrition I need is being supplied through the central line?" Casey felt her heart start to race; she didn't like the sound of that.

"Its called Total Paraenternal Nutrition, or TPN for short. It's the next step past a simple feeding tube, because that's not enough for you right now. It takes the nutrition you need, in building-block form, and puts it directly into your circulatory system. It's not a permanent solution, but it probably saved your life these last few days."

"What happened these last few days?" This seemed to be a topic that everyone was avoiding a direct answer to.

"Nutshell answer, Casey?" Casey nodded, not sure what kind of answer otherwise she'd receive.

"Your body started shutting down."

The doctor stood up and looked down at Casey's records in his hands. "We'll be seeing you back at the treatment center, hopefully within a couple days. The girls, Amy especially, are worried about you"

The doctor left and Casey closed her eyes, trying to shut out everything she had told to her. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she fell asleep again.

* * *

(1) Anything Casey writes is not going to make much sense, because if you're too exhausted to write I doubt you're going to be writing more than you need to. So yes, I know that they're not complete sentences… that's the point. :p

(2) In case anyone didn't get that (because it took me nearly ten minutes to) he was about to say "if" instead of "when."


	19. Chapter 19

Thanks once again to you-know-who for making this story not _complete _shit. :)

She's a lifesaver over here, though I did write slightly more of this one than the other one, she basically wrote most of it.

Proofreading would be nice if I weren't so exhausted. I'll get to that eventually. :p

Also, yeah, she's not better yet... it doesn't happen like that. Things get worse first. It's not 'glamorous.' I still want your honest opinion, but she's not going to get better in two minutes.

* * *

Casey started drifting awake again as someone entered her room. Squinting as the light shone in her eyes, Casey groaned, once again being reminded of how much she hated this place. Before Casey had even registered who had entered her room an orderly set down a dinner tray onto the table beside her bed. Casey began to protest, but the orderly was already out the door before Casey could tell him to just take it away. She was tempted to call after him, but she really didn't feel like calling any extra attention to herself.

Casey's stomach churned as she glanced at the revolting hospital food resting on the table beside her. Eating food—_especially_ hospital food—had about the same appeal as eating mud, if not slightly less. Her throat was still scratchy and sore, however, so she carefully pulled herself a glass of water from the pitcher beside her bed and took a few sips of the cool liquid. She set down the cup, and settled back into her pillows, slightly relieved to have a moment to herself.

She started to let her mind wander. She couldn't believe she had been in the hospital for six days. She knew she was in bad condition, but she hadn't realized it was that serious. Even once she awoke she only had bits and pieces of memories of the past days; she remembered that Olivia, Aly and Elliot had been around, but the details of their visits were already lost to her. She wondered who, if anyone else had been in and out of her room while she hadn't been awake, and the thought made her nervous. The last thing she needed to deal with on top of everything else was having people see her looking as weak as she did now.

Suddenly the door creaked open and Aly strode in, not even bothering to announce herself or ask for permission. Casey looked over to her sister and sighed. Aly was everything that Casey strived to, but never would, be. No matter where she was, no matter how old they were, Casey felt like she could never measure up to her sisters; she was always in the shadow.

"Hey Casey," Allison murmured, "Eat your dinner."

"I'm not starting this conversation with you, Aly." Casey lowered her eyes and glared at her sister, praying that she would drop the topic.

"Look Casey, I know you need to eat. You know you need to eat. You can make it a huge deal, or you can just do it."

"That's gotta be easy for you to say," Casey retorted.

"Yeah, sweetheart, it is easy to say." Allison gently sat down in the seat beside the bed and scooted it closer to her sister. "Casey, it _is _just food. I know you're going to argue against that until you're blue in the face, but you know and I know that the food isn't the whole problem. Yeah, it is part of it, but it's not all of it. I'm not exactly sure what the problem is, Case, but I hope you can figure it out and help _me_ figure it out so that I can help you someday."

Casey looked at Allison, surprised to hear words that sounded somewhat like understanding. Casey knew that deep down food was just what she channeled her feelings of insufficiency and lack of control into, but she never assumed that anyone else would understand… she barely understood herself.

"So now you're going to turn into a shrink yourself. We'll just chalk it up to another Novak child deserving of a doctorate's degree" Casey was somewhat shocked by her sister's words, but she certainly wasn't ready to let her sister win an argument, even if she did have a point. "Why don't you go work on a Nobel prize or something and leave?"

"Casey, do you want me to leave?"

Casey was so accustomed to tense situations and fighting with her sister, that for the second time in the last three minutes, Casey was caught off guard. Normally her sister would have retorted back in the same manner, and her calm demeanor threw her off.

"Yeah, I do want you to leave if we're going to fight about eating."

"Okay, we won't talk about eating."

"How is everyone doing?"

"Well, nothing all that exciting. Kate's still living her perfect life with her all-American family and medical practice. By the way, she's been trying to get down here, but she hasn't been able to get away from the kids or the practice yet, so she sends her love. Mom's fine, dad's fine, Brian and Eric are both fine. Really not much to report," Aly responded nonchalantly, just reminding Casey once again how perfect her eldest sister was.

"Is Kate mad at me?"

"Mad at you? Casey, why should she be mad at you?"

Casey shrugged; there was no point in explaining things to her sister.

"Kate is worried, Case. We've been talking and I've been keeping her updated. She's really worried about you. She feels terrible that she hasn't been able to get down here, but I'm really not sure you'd be too thrilled to see her anyway."

Casey hid a smile; while Allison and herself had been growing up, they were constantly upstaged by their older sister. Kate had a strong opinion about everything, and she didn't care whose feelings she hurt to get her own way.

"Casey… I have to tell you, Brian, Eric and dad all know what's going on now. I know you didn't want us to tell them yet, but we couldn't very well keep them out of the loop when… well… when we didn't know if you'd ever wake up." Aly shifted uncomfortably in her chair, as if saying the words would be like reliving it again. After her blunt conversation with the head doctor the other day she understood what had happened and she knew how serious her condition had been.

"Yeah, I figured as much."

"Mom already lectured them about giving you space and not playing the overprotective big-brother card to the point where you strangle them both. They're staying put until mom gives them the okay, but you probably have thousands of messages on your phone."

Casey smiled slightly at the mention of her brothers. Part of her wanted to see them right now, but a much bigger part of her was humiliated and mortified about everything that happened.

"You know, mom and dad are worried out of their mind about you," Aly continued, interrupting Casey's thoughts about her brother.

"You know that they can't force me into treatment like they did when I was a teenager"

"No, but to use some of your own terms, I've become your 'de facto' decision maker, as you've listed me as next of kin on your treatment center paperwork, and you've been in different levels of unconsciousness for nearly a week."

"The hospital has been asking you questions about my care?"

"Yes."

"So the decision about the central line and God only knows what they're putting in me to force me to gain weight….?" Casey narrowed her eyes, wondering if Allison had anything to do with it.

"Yes, when the doctors brought the option to me, I consented, if that's what you're asking"

"How could you do that to me, Allison? How could you 'consent' to something that you know full well that I'd disagree to? How could you let them put tubes and wires and keep me in this hospital room?" Casey was close to yelling. She had never been more furious in her life. She had never felt more betrayed, more hurt. She started shaking; she had never been so infuriated in her life.

"How could you betray me like this!? Can you stop fucking up my life and fucking leave me alone?! Go back to fucking New York, go back to your fucking 'fine arts' or whatever the fuck it is that you do oh so perfectly, and just get the hell away from me!" Casey was so angry that she was having trouble finding words, much less a logical argument.

It was as if rage was clouding her mind, and she couldn't think clearly. At that moment, there was only one thought that crossed her mind: she needed to get away, she needed some space, and she needed to handle things on her own terms. She needed her sister, her family, her friends out of her life. She needed to do this on her own. Tugging at her gown, she pulled off the heart monitor leads, sending the machine into a medium-pitch alarm. Casey didn't notice the sound. She reached over and found the first IV sticking in her left arm, and gave it a good pull, pulling it out. Blood quickly seeped down her arm, but Casey was so beyond infuriated that she didn't care. The sight of blood made her sick and needles made her feel like she was going to pass out, but there was not a clear thought running through her mind.

She located the second IV line and pulled the line out, more blood streaming down her pale arm. By now both machines' alarms were screeching, adding to the chaos. Somewhere, pain registered, but Casey was so far past being angry she hardly noticed

Casey sat up in her bed, her head reeling. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Aly running to the door and hollering for help, which only added to her fury.

Casey ripped off the pulse oximeter, the glowing red thing on the tip of her index finger, and removed the automatic blood pressure cuff. She had no idea what this 'central line' was that everyone kept talking about, but whatever the IV thing was by her collarbone had to go. She ripped off the dressing and was stunned with the realization that it had been sutured in place. Casey didn't have a moment to come up with a game plan as her sister, accompanied by two staff members, came sprinting into the room.

Aly forcefully grabbed Casey's right hand before it could do any more damage and pinned her hand, arm and shoulder down on the bed, so that despite her greatest efforts Casey couldn't move it. At the same time a nurse pinned down Casey's left arm and shoulder. The second staff member called for more help as she grabbed Casey's ankles to stop her flailing legs..

Almost instantly a doctor rushed into the room and ordered restraints and a sedative. The nurse that was entering the room behind him took off at a run down the hall to obtain these items.

Casey was so angry, so infuriated, at her sister. "How could you do this to me?" She ranted, not even realizing, nor caring, that she was screaming at the top of her lungs. "I hate you, Allison! Just fucking go away, I never want to see your face again!"

A nurse returned with a syringe of unknown medicine and was attaching a sharp needle to the syringe.

The nurse glanced at Aly before approaching Casey's struggling body. "Do you have a good grip on her?"

Aly affirmed, and as soon as Casey realized that the needle's destination was her, she started increasing her efforts, screaming and thrashing, desperate to get away. Aly and the staff held her down tight while the nurse injected the sedative into Casey's vein.  
Casey was screaming obscenities at Allison, the subject of her rage, but quickly, she found that she was losing steam.

She gave a final resistance as restraints were attached securely to her wrists and ankles. She stopped cursing at Allison, weariness setting into her bones. A technician started hooking her up to some of the gadgets she'd undone. Casey tensed, but she had no recourse. She wanted to refuse, and her brain was screaming at her to resist, but her body lacked the energy to do so. A doctor, someone she didn't know came in, and a nurse forcefully held Casey's head down while the doctor inspected her central line.

"Doesn't look like any damage here. It needs another dressing, and it will be fine," the doctor announced.

Another nurse came in and started another two IVs after cleaning up the bloody mess that Casey had made by removing the first two. Casey was feeling so loopy and sleepy that she didn't even wince as the catheters went into her arms.

Aly had moved to a chair across the room from Casey, willing to give her space.

After the nurse left, Aly let out a deep sigh. Casey struggled with all of her might to open her eyes. She saw that her sister was still there, and she was still angry, but she lacked the strength to show it. "I hate you, Allison," Casey finally mustered the strength to say.

"Casey, you're alive. You're welcome to hate me as much as you want; it's your prerogative and I can't stop you."

Casey tried to keep her eyes open, and she could have sworn that her sister reached into her purse for a tissue to wipe her eyes. Or maybe that white thing was a Maltese puppy… Or maybe a cardigan sweater, or a white envelope…. Casey's drug-induced haze finally won over, and she was finally asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

OH MY FUCKING GOD. THAT EPISODE OF SVU... holy fucking god. That was SO intense. Jesus christ... I'm in shock.

Anyway, hereeee we go. :)

You know who helped me so much again. I changed a lot around toward the beginning, but toward the end I have to be honest I just wanted to get this posted since I'm leaving and since SVU IS ON!!

Haven't proofread. :(

* * *

Casey was slowly growing more used to the hospital ward that she was being kept prisoner in, but that certainly didn't mean she accepted it any more. As she slowly blinks her eyes open, finding it especially hard to do so, she's momentarily confused where she is, although as usual she is instantly assured that it is definitely not New York. Trying to clear her mind and her vision of the fog that seemed to be lingering in her brain she went to move her hands to rub her eyes, only to realize that that something was holding her arms down. She began to panic as she realized that not only was she unable to move her arms, but her legs were being held in place as well. Slowly the memories of the previous night earlier started coming to her; her anger, her sister, and the restraints. Casey cursed out loud at the thought.

Her vision still hazy, Casey could only feel a warm hand resting on her forearm, while she could not yet make out who the person was. She flinched away and groaned; she definitely was not in a mood to have any conversation with Aly, reasonable or not; not today, not this week, and maybe not ever. She closed her eyes again and tried to turn the other way, but was stopped once again by the restraints on her limbs.

As she felt the hand return to her arm she spat at what she could only assume was her sister. "Don't touch me."

The hand hastily disappeared from her arm, but Casey heard no motion that indicated that anyone was leaving. "Aly, just leave. Now."

The person beside her took a deep breath, then tentatively reached out and brushed Casey's fingers. Casey flinched once again, wishing they would just take the damn restraints off so that she could move away from her sister, or slap her if need be.

"Casey, hon. Open your eyes; it's Olivia"

Casey's eyes snapped open as she recognized the voice that confirmed that it was, in fact, Olivia sitting next to her. She once again blinked open her eyes and looked over to her side. Her vision was becoming clearer, and she could at least see that Olivia was sitting right next to her bed and was running her hands up and down Casey's arm as if to try and warm her up.

"I'm sorry," Casey began before trailing off. "I thought you were…"

"That I was Aly, I gathered that. She called me last night, Case, freaking out. That's kind of why I'm here." Olivia moved her hands from Casey's arm and gently wrapped them around one of Casey's, squeezing it tight.

"Why would Aly call you?" Casey asked, still trying to will away the rest of the fog that threatened to overtake her mental synapses.

"She's worried about you, Casey. After what happened earlier she assumed that she wouldn't be the most welcome face at your bedside, which I see was correct."

"She asked you to come out here?"

"No, hon, she didn't have to ask. I'm here because I want to be here. I told you I would be here for you, and I don't go back on my promises. Is it okay if I stay?"

Casey smiled weakly, but didn't exactly meet Olivia's gaze. "I won't throw you out, if that's what you mean."

Olivia smiled at Casey. "I'll take that as a yes, then, for now. Is there anything that I can do to help make you more comfortable? Do you need anything?"

Casey closed her eyes for a moment. _Get me out of here…Shoot me and put me out of my misery…Tell me this is just a dream and I'll wake up tomorrow in my own bed in NY._

_  
_Casey slowly opened her eyes again and glanced at Olivia, then she lowered her gaze and swallowed her pride, realizing that there was nothing else she could do. "Would you mind moving the bed into a better sitting position?" she asked timidly, not being one who liked to ask for help. "And could you… could you maybe help me get a drink of water? If it's not too much trouble…"

"Of course it's not too much trouble. You worry too much." Olivia fiddled with the bed controller until she brought Casey into more of a sitting position. "Is this okay?" she asked.

"Better, thank you."

Olivia walked to the far side of the bed and poured a cup of cool water from the pitcher that the hospital had provided. She unwrapped a straw from its wrapper and set it in the cup, then moved over to Casey and sat next to the younger woman on the bed. Casey gratefully accepted the water as Olivia held it up to her lips, but she still felt her cheeks burning with embarrassment that the detective had to help her do something as simple as drinking water. Finally she leaned back when she was done drinking. She felt her eyes filling with tears and tried her best to control it, but her tear ducts betrayed her anyway.

"Do you want any more to drink, Casey?" Olivia asked. Casey shook her head gently, trying to keep the tears from falling.

As the tears started flowing, clearly disobeying Casey's efforts to stop them, Olivia moved from her spot at the foot of the bed back to the chair that she was sitting in earlier, so that she could be closer to Casey. The restraints were keeping Olivia from being able to sit further up on the bed, and for the first time in a while Casey regretted this; for once she wanted Olivia there to hold her and support her, because she felt like she couldn't support herself.

"What's on your mind, Casey?" Olivia asked softly as she gently wiped the tears from Casey's cheek with her thumb. The look of pure pity was obvious on Olivia's face, and Casey could hardly stand it.

"Everything. Nothing. I… I don't know, Liv."

"Anything that you want to talk about, Case?"

"I hate this place, Olivia."

"I can't blame you there, hon. That's why you need to take care of yourself, Casey. I don't want you to end up back here. No one does, especially you."

"I just… I don't know what to say. I just don't know how to put my emotions into words."

"I'm always here to listen, Casey, you know that. I won't judge you or think less of you for anything you have to say. I can't fight this for you, but I can help you fight it yourself."

Olivia rested her hand atop Casey's cold, frail hand and squeezed it lightly. Casey reciprocated, then sighed again; she wasn't sure how far she could get into this without crying. She had already made enough of a fool out of herself for one day.

"I feel like an idiot, Liv."

"What happened to make you feel that way, hon?"

"I used to be able to be rational and intellectual about this, but I think I've lost perspective. I used to understand it, but now I'm just lost. I mean, I recovered years ago, I moved on with my life. It was hard. It was a struggle every day of my life, but I did it. Law school was rocky, but I survived just fine. I'd go on my fasts and purge occasionally, but that was more the buildup of stress than anything else. It wasn't serious.

"Then when I joined SVU… well, you were there, and we all know that was rocky to say the least. Coming in on the heels of Alex…the entire unit hated me. I don't blame you guys, trust me I don't—I'm not a huge fan of me either. I was great in White Collar, and I knew that, then coming in here I just felt like a terrible prosecutor. I knew I'd never be able to be as adept as Alex was. Whatever I did, I would never be good enough. I just felt so incompetent. I could never be Alex; I could never even begin to compare to Alex. It was just like being a kid again, trying to live up to my sisters, but they were always oen step ahead.

"I love my sisters, Liv. At least I think I do. But I'm never exactly sure of my footing when I'm with them. Sometimes at the SVU, I feel the same way. It's better now, but that doesn't change the past. Somewhere along the way… well, old habits die hard, I suppose. Somehow I just started picking up those habits. I don't know why I did, maybe just a reflex. If I could control my body, my weight, what I ate, then maybe the rest of the world would hurt me less."

Olivia sighed deeply beside her and squeezed Casey's hand again, and by the look on Olivia's face Casey could tell she was considering everything she had just admitted.

"Do you like working at SVU, Case?" Olivia finally asked softly.

"Did they find someone already to replace me, Liv?" Casey's eyes opened wide with fright; although things had been rocky, she did love her job now.

"No, no… nobody is planning on replacing you. I just never realized how unhappy you were, Casey. Nobody did."

"Its not that I'm unhappy prosecuting for SVU. It took a while, but I do like it now. It's just… when things don't go right and I can't get a warrant, or I lose a case in court, I can only imagine that everyone on the squad wishes that Alex was there to do it right, because I must be doing it wrong. I just always do everything wrong no matter how hard I try. I'm sure Alex would do it all right. I just can't let go of that feeling that I'm doing things incompetently."

"Casey," Olivia began, "do you know that you have one of the highest conviction rates of anyone on the DA's payroll? Do you know that everyone realizes that statistics like yours don't happen by accident? You're a phenomenal prosecutor, Casey, and no one can debate that."

Casey cocked her head to the side. In terms of statistics she knew she was pretty good, but there always seemed to be a warrant she couldn't make happen, or a case that she'd lose. Casey had no idea how to respond to Olivia's comment, and chose silence instead.

"Elliot mentioned that having Alex as your predecessor really bothered you."

Casey stiffened immediately, not wanting people to talk behind her back.

"Honestly, Casey… In terms of being an ADA for the unit, you've surpassed her, a long time ago on technical skills. You and Alex are completely different people, and completely different prosecutors. I understand better now that having Alex as your predecessor was just like having your sisters again, but you don't have to 'live up to her.' You're different people and we understand and respect that.

"When we get angry because you can't get a warrant, or the prosecution didn't get a conviction, its not aimed at you. We're angry because the laws and our own constitution limit our abilities to get the assholes that don't deserve their freedom. We got angry when Alex couldn't get a warrant, or a perp had to walk when there wasn't enough evidence to convict him too. Alex wasn't perfect, Casey. We've all held her on a pedestal of some sort, I think mostly because we miss her and we had to lose her so quickly. I wish I could help you stop comparing yourself to her. You're completely different, but we don't respect you any less."

Casey wasn't quite ready to believe what she heard.

Olivia tried a different approach. "Ever play soccer, Casey?"

"Most of my teenage years."

"Then you understand a goalkeeper's role?"

Casey smiled softly; she had occasionally played backup keeper for her competitive team in high school. "Yeah."

"When a keeper has a ball go through the net, what happens?"

Casey looked over at Olivia, wondering if she was treating Casey like Casey was missing a few brain cells. Casey wasn't sure what Olivia was doing, but she was getting frustrated with Olivia.

"When the ball goes through the net, the other team scores..."

"And how did that happen?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "Because the goalkeeper missed the ball?"

"Well, on the most technical manner of speaking, yes, but the ball has to get past everyone else on the team before it's a do-or-die situation at the goalposts. SVU isn't a soccer game, of course, but it's similar in some ways. When the prosecutor takes a case to trial, its on the support of all the evidence and testimony and affidavits that the detectives have managed to round up. When it falls through it's no more your fault than it is my fault. We're cops, hon, when things go wrong we get angry and point fingers, and I'm sorry for the times that we've pointed the finger at you as though you were somehow responsible that there wasn't enough evidence for a solid conviction. I'm sorry for the times that we've pointed the finger at you as though it's somehow your fault that our constitution prevents judges from signing off on search warrants without evidence."

"I'm sorry Olivia". Casey's eyes began to fill with tears once again.

"What on earth do you have to be sorry for, Casey?" Olivia reached over and once again wiped away Casey's tears as they began to fall before cautiously laying her hand on her shoulder.

"I've been taking a lot of things personally, I guess. And… I don't know, just everything."

"I figured that, Casey, or else we wouldn't be having this conversation. It's not your fault though, and you don't need to apologize. Maybe some things you do take personally, but other times the way we treat you wouldn't make you feel otherwise. We know that we overreact sometimes; I guess we just didn't know how much it hurt you. You just need to decide what you're going to do about it."

"What do you mean?" Casey asked, already knowing that Olivia had more insight than she wanted to give the woman credit for.

"Well, you can decide if beating yourself up for every warrant, every case, every argument, is really worth it, and if it's going to help you go where you want to get to in life. You can decide if you're going to abuse your body because of the injustices in the world that you may not be able to control. You can decide if this battle that you're up against is worth fighting for; you have your family wanting you to get better, you have your entire SVU family wanting you to get better, but none of that matters unless you want to get better for _you_."

"Liv?" Casey started, not really sure how to continue. "I want to get better, but I don't know how anymore. I mean it sounds stupid, but I just don't even know how to think or what to think. I'm not even sure what getting better entails anymore."

"Hon, this definitely isn't my field of work, but if I had to wager a guess, 'getting better' entails eating like a relatively normal human being, not feeling guilty about it, not throwing up afterwards, and not overexercising. Somewhere in there is some concept of a healthy weight and coming to some reality that you're not fat, and never were."

Casey cringed at the mention of her weight. She was never one to openly talk about her weight even though she knew she was. She didn't say anything and instead shifted her gaze to her hands. She didn't have to say anything, though; she knew Olivia would understand anyway.

Olivia, understanding as usual, sighed softly. "And that's part of the problem, Casey. Whatever your brain is telling you that you see, it doesn't quite jibe with reality"

"I'd kill to be as thin as Allison… as you…"

"Casey, you're not serious, are you?"

"You don't understand, Olivia." Casey sighed; clearly Olivia has no idea how important her weight could be to her. "I was always the heavy one when it came to us girls in my family. I don't know if its genetics or if God just had some sick joke going on. I don't want to be that fat girl I was."

"Casey, what do you think a healthy weight for yourself would be?"

"I don't know." Casey turned her gaze away from Olivia to stare at the other side of the room.

"I'm no mind reader, Casey, but I'll presume that 'I don't know' means 'whatever it is I don't want to discuss it.'"

"Yeah"

"Okay, I'll let it go… I've got to get going in a bit to catch the train back to the city…. "

"Olivia?" Casey turned to look into the warm chestnut brown eyes of her friend.

"Yes, Case?"

"I'm sorry I made you come out here and waste your evening," she whispered.

"Casey, someday we'll all be back in the city, going out for drinks or celebrating, and things will be normal again. Right now, though, you just need to focus on taking care of you."

At that moment, the nurse came in, and after changing an IV bag, she took a syringe filled with medication and injected it into the IV line going into Casey's vein.

"What is that?" Casey demanded

_Nobody even tells me what they're doing to me_"Its just something to help you rest, dear."

Olivia saw the almost instantaneous action of the drug as it hit Casey's bloodstream. Casey's pupils widened, and her eyes started to drift closed.

Olivia reached over and took the ADA's hand into her own. "Goodnight, Casey."

"Night, Liv" came Casey's groggy reply.

* * *

Oookay. :) Well I'm actually going away for two weeks tomorrow, so this is the last update until I get back! Leave me lots of reviews to look forward to when I get back!? :)


	21. WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HELL!?

Okay, what the hell is this!?

Hey, welcome back from the other side of the world. By the way, your favorite actress/role model?/human being?? Is leaving your favorite show in the world!? Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little bit, but imagine my shock when I come back from being disconnected from the world from two weeks and find out that Diane Neal was leaving SVU… was NOT expecting that at ALL!

Sorry this is not an update… I was planning on coming back and having a long update for you, but I was a little thrown off by this announcement… and when I say a little thrown off I mean COMPLETELY in shock. It would be a blatant lie if I said I was not depressed by it… I may have even cried a bit, but I am so exhausted both physically and mentally, and emotional on top of it all that I have been spontaneously bursting into tears over the past couple days, so we can't be sure. Either way, though, what the hell? There better be a damn good explanation for this, because I am so upset.

I mean hey, I loved SVU before Diane Neal and I'll love it after, but this sucks. Especially because I absolutely was NOT expecting it, and I was definitely not expecting to come back and find out that it was announced a while ago. What the hell, this SUCKS.

I'm really not okay with this. Like really not okay. I think it's almost pathetic how disappointed I am. I am in a really emotional state right now already (long stories/jetlag is intense), but still.

I have to admit I do understand why some intense Alex Cabot fans hated Casey Novak at first though… I probably will hate the new ADA at first regardless of who it is. Even if I do start to like them I'm sure I will still have some bias against them. I don't know what it is. Casey wasn't a huge part on the show, but there was something about her that just made her my favorite character, and Diane Neal is just a phenomenal actress.

I'm sorry this isn't an update and I tend to ramble when I'm exhausted, but I am just shocked and devastated… I'm having trouble absorbing the news on top of everything else. This has been a really crazy past couple of weeks for me and this is just too intense for me to handle right now. I mean I'll update this soon, sorry for taking advantage of my chapter-posting abilities, but I am excusing myself because of the news, even if I can't technically do that. Jesus, I just needed to vent.

Carry on with your lives now. :)

I'm still depressed. :(


	22. Chapter 22

Sorry for how long it took to update!

A lot of this chapter is written by… not me. She's anonymous, but she is pretty damn great.

By the way the next update is my favoriteeeee. It's perfect. She wrote it and I am hardly going to change anything because it is that good, but I'm really excited to post it. It's a long one, too.

PS: sorry for the last update being… well… not an update. It was an emotional moment for me. :p

* * *

As Casey awoke the next morning, she was relieved to observe that she was, for the first time in way too long, alone in her room. As she tried to focus on the clock the hands and numbers seemed to be swimming around; she was growing frustrated by how cloudy everything was.

More than anything, though, she was terrified. She had completely lost control over this situation, and she was at the point where she had no idea how to handle it… she didn't even know entirely how she managed to get into this situation in the first place. She pulled against the restraints, trying in vain to free herself.

A young man in pale green scrubs, carrying something that resembled a fishing tackle box walked into her room and turned on a brighter overhead light. She blinked repeatedly, desperately trying to block out the light that was now blinding her.

Casey grumbled, and, realizing that she was no match for the leather straps, stopped struggling; however, she was in no way ready to deal with another human being this morning.

The young man smiled and greeted her with an overly cheery "good morning." He clumsily dropped his box on the table beside Casey's bed and started rummaging through it, without saying a word to her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Casey hissed at him, furious that he still had given no indication as to why he was interrupting her.

"I'm just here to draw some blood." As he spoke he extracted a long needle from the box and set it on the table, then pulled out gauze and other supplies.

"No, you're not," Casey responded calmly; there was no way in hell she was letting anyone stick a needle in her right now.

"Doctor's order's ma'am, I just do what they tell me." The young man gave her a short blank look before turning back to his supplies.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" Casey responded.

She could deal with blood, death and crime scenes, but she had always hated needles, injections and IVs. They always seemed to be just one more thing eroding away at her control over her body. It wasn't even that they hurt, but more the thought that somebody else was going to be injecting something into blood stream that terrified her. Plus, more than anything right now she didn't want any more blood work saying that more things were wrong; she just wanted to get out of there and go home, or even to the clinic at the _very_ least.

"It's just a small needle, ma'am. You'll hardly feel a thing, I promise."

"No!" Casey said forcefully, almost to the point of shouting. "No needles, get it away from me!"

"I have doctor's orders to get samples for your blood work this morning, it will just take one second."

"I don't give a shit who told you to do what. I don't care if God told you to do it, but don't you fucking come near me!"

"But ma'am, I can't draw blood samples unless I—"

Casey cut him off, determined not to let him win. "You are not drawing any blood work from me today," she said forcefully. "You are not coming anywhere near me."

The man hesitated for a moment, looking back and forth between the equipment, her, and the door. She gave him one last stern look before he apologized for upsetting her, picked up his equipment, and left the room.

Casey sighed, relieved that the altercation was over, exhausted from just that. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself back to sleep, using all of her effort to shut off her mind and think about something other than the fact that she had lost all control over her life. When that failed, she simply relented and let the tears fall, misery, fear, loneliness, terror, sadness, despair, humiliation taking over. For what felt like the millionth unsuccessful time she began struggling violently against the restraints.

In all of her effort, she triggered one of the monitor alarms and cursed under her breath when she realized that an unqualified, know-it-all nurse would be rushing into her room at any second. Seconds later, as predicted a nurse rushed into the room to check on her.

"Everything okay?" the nurse inquired.

Casey looked over towards the woman, not even able to make eye contact. "Leave me alone," She replied venomously, slightly surprised by the anger in her own voice.

The nurse turned and walked away without revealing any sense of a reaction on her face, but returned several minutes later with a syringe filled with liquid. Casey's eyes widened as the nurse came closer to her. Without even addressing Casey, she walked over to one of the IV lines and injected the sedative. As soon as Casey realized that the nurse could only be injecting her with a sedative, she tried bargaining and stalling.

"Don't give me that, I don't really need it. I'm fine." She struggled a little at first, but began struggling violently when the nurse continued what she was doing and blatantly ignored her. "Don't do this to me!" Casey screamed as the nurse depressed the plunger of the syringe, emptying the contents into Casey's IV.

Without saying a word the nurse rudely turned on her heels and stormed out of the room.

Realizing that in minutes, without her consent in the least bit, she would be completley out, Casey began crying again. She was just terrified if everything, feeling hateful, feeling angry. Within a few minutes, the sedative took effect and Casey fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Casey's shoulder was being shaken, and she groggily, almost drunkenly, attempted to open her eyes. For a moment she felt blissfully numb to everything, until she realized someone was talking to her. She slowly blinked her eyes open and saw someone who resembled one of the doctors, though everything was still blurry, and the unmistakable figure of the man in light blue from earlier. The doctor was saying something to her but it sounded very garbled up, so Casey just closed her eyes again. She flinched as she felt a sharp needle being poked into her arm, but didn't even bother opening her eyes. She didn't even have the energy to really care anymore.

* * *

The next time Casey was lucid, she realized there were two people in the room. At first she expected it to be some nurses or something, but she soon realized that it wasn't any of the nurses, and it certainly was not the doctor and blood vampire from earlier. Soon she realized that they were talking, and she recognized that both of the voices were soft and female. They were both familiar to her, but they weren't voices she had really heard together before, and she was at a loss. She slowly opened her eyes, wincing at the lights. Her eyes scanned the room before she saw two figures sitting in chairs in the corner of her room. She squinted, trying to make out the two figures.

"Aly?" she asked. "Liv? What are you doing here?"

"Just making small talk, hon, waiting for you to wake up," Olivia answered as she stood up and moved her chair over to one side of Casey's bed.

Olivia sat down gently. "Did we wake you up?"

"No, I don't think so," Casey replied as Aly moved her own chair to the other side of Casey's bed and sat down as well.

"How long have you been here?" Casey asked, her eyes flickering to each woman

"Just a little while, Casey" Olivia responded smoothly, almost too smoothly.

Aly reached out and held Casey's frail hand, still bound to the bed by its restraint. Casey undoubtedly would have pulled away had her hand not been trapped in its position, which she was sure Aly knew as well.

"There's something we need to talk about Casey, and I asked Olivia to be here. If you won't listen to me, then maybe you'll listen to her," Aly said softly.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to talk," Casey responded coolly, "especially not to you."

"That's okay, hon, are you able to listen?" Olivia asked.

Casey drew in a deep breath and sighed, not entirely sure she was up for it, and not sure she really wanted to listen. Realizing that they were probably going to speak even if she said no, she simply nodded her head in affirmation and closed her eyes, hoping she could ignore whatever whoever was about to say.

"Case, I've told you a million times before, we're not going to disappear even if you close you eyes and make a wish," Aly said with a smile in her voice.

Casey opened her eyes and glared at her sister, then sighed again, and let her eyes regain a normal look before glancing over at Olivia.

"Casey," Aly began, then stopped.

"What?" Casey responded, antagonism showing in her voice. She was still furious and felt betrayed by her sister, and she wasn't about to let her forget that.

Aly brought her head down to her sister's hand and rested her forehead on it momentarily, as though saying a prayer or willing herself for courage.

She raised her head and looked in her sister's green eyes. "I'm sorry that you're still mad at me, but I'm not here to fight with you, not tonight."

"Then why are you here?" Casey inquired

"The doctors are ready to move you out of the ICU; you've stabilized enough that you're ready to go to a medical floor," Aly responded

"Okay, then why am I still here?" Casey asked, puzzled.

"Case, they can't keep restraining you against your will, but they also can't have you yanking out equipment and hurting yourself, and they really don't want to find that you've disappeared somewhere," Aly explained softly

Olivia cleared her throat "That means that even if you're having a bad day or someone makes you angry or frightens you, you're not allowed to pull out your IVs or the central line."

Casey looked over to Olivia "What about the other stuff?"

Olivia swallowed a smile, but it didn't go unnoticed by Casey. She realized how ridiculous she sounded, but she wasn't being the least bit sarcastic when she had asked it.

"What do you think?" Olivia asked.

Casey sighed; she had known the answer before she asked the question. "Probably not."

"Definitely not," Allison murmured.

Casey shot her a glare and then sighed again. "So what happens now?"

"Well, for tonight you sleep. Tomorrow morning if the doctors don't think that you're a threat to your own safety anymore, they'll remove the restraints. And Casey, I'm not sure how to put this except bluntly, but you need to start eating," Olivia responded

Casey closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, tears spilled down her cheek, regardless of how hard she was trying to keep them at bay.

"Olivia," she started, as she tried to hold back a terrified sob

"What is it, hon?"

"Can you be here tomorrow morning? I know I'm asking a lot and I don't even deser—"

"Yes, Casey, I'll be here tomorrow before the doctors start their rounds. Is there anything else, hon?"

"No, just you."

"I'll go put that in action," Olivia said, and stood up to leave the room, phone already in her hand.

"Great, now everyone at the 1-6 is going to know that I'm pathetic," Casey muttered to herself.

"No, Casey, you're not pathetic," Aly responded.

Casey narrowed her eyes at her sister, having forgotten momentarily that she was still in the room. "Can you please not be here tomorrow morning?" she asked rudely, not caring how she sounded.

She tensed, waiting for her sister to insist on inviting herself.

"Okay," Allison responded, agreeing readily. "Can you call me though if you change your mind during the day?"

"Yeah" Casey conceded.

A nurse came bustling in and gave a cheery greeting, then injected something into one of Casey's IV lines. Casey was so exhausted by this point she didn't even have the stamina to fight the nurse. The nurse got a blood pressure and recorded Casey's vital signs before leaving the room.

Casey didn't need to ask what the drug was anymore. She could feel by the way the medication made her head start spinning that it was the same sedative that always made her mind foggy.

Her eyes swum around until she found Allison. She squeezed her sister's hand, momentarily forgiving her. "Please don't let Liv forget," she begged, before her eyes drifted closed into a wonderful world of darkness.

PS again, go read _Lithium_ by x Rampant Chaos. It's amazinggggg and only going to get better. Seriously. Go. Now. :p


	23. Chapter 23

So this is mostly written by the anonymous again… and when I say mostly I mean almost completely.

* * *

Casey's eyes fluttered open as the doctors made their rounds the next morning. She was just too groggy to figure out what questions they were asking her, so she mumbled affirmations and shrugged her shoulders at what seemed like the right moments. She felt the restraints on her wrists and ankles being removed, and she stretched gently then curled up in a ball, falling asleep quickly.

* * *

When Casey woke up next, her ears started working quicker than her eyes. Amongst the background chatter of the beeping machines in her room, she heard a cart clattering down the hall. She felt the fabric of the starched sheets around her body and she wrinkled her nose, smelling the unique scent of hospital antiseptic. As she opened her eyes, she saw Olivia in a chair across the room reading a magazine. Casey rubbed her eyes and found the controls for her bed, raising herself into a sitting position. She drew her knees up to herself again, wrapping her arms around her legs and propping her head on her knees. Olivia heard her moving, but chose to give her a moment before she responded. Once Casey had seemingly settled down and stopped moving, Olivia laid her magazine on the chair as she stood up and moved to sit on the foot of Casey's bed.

"Morning, Casey," Olivia said softly. "How are you doing?" She reached over and rested her hand on the shoulder of the frail woman. To Olivia's surprise, Casey placed her own hand on Olivia's and gave Olivia a gentle squeeze.

"I'm scared, Liv," Casey admitted softly, her eyes staring blankly at the wall in front of her. "Please don't go off in a tirade about it just being food or what I weigh or how much I think I need to lose. Please just help me not be so scared."

Casey looked so small in that hospital bed, so childlike as she sat curled up. Olivia gave Casey a gentle squeeze with her hand. "You're going to be alright, Case. You're a strong person and you'll make it through this."

"What if I'm not?"

"Casey, you are a strong person. Nothing about what is going on right now changes your strength. I have known your strength and tenacity since the first day I met you. You have the strength to make it through this, but it is up to you whether you want to use your strength to overcome it. I can only imagine that you hate being on the receiving end of so much medical stuff, but the alternative is dying. Is that what you want, Casey?"

Casey shook her head as her eyes started filling with tears. "I don't want to die. I just want everything to be fine. I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be able to control some aspect—any aspect—of my life again, but I don't want to face these things I have to face."

"And what are those things, Casey?" Olivia questioned softly.

"Eating." Casey sighed and Olivia waited, guessing there were more things on the list of things bothering Casey. "Gaining weight, getting fat, being fat, failing, hating myself, trusting other people"

"It's not all about food, Casey," Olivia said quietly.

"No, but the food goes in my body and I hate that."

"You hate your body?" Olivia asked, clarifying.

"Yeah…" Casey said, and the tears started spilling over. "I hate that every part of me is too fat or too skinny or too wrinkly, and just wrong everywhere. I hate that no matter what I do I can never fix it. I can never make it right."

"Casey, I wish I had the ability to convey to you that what your eyes see and what your brain tells you is not realistic," Olivia said.

"Then what is realistic?" Casey asked, tensing up because she wasn't ready to handle Olivia telling her how disgustingly large she looked.

Olivia noticed Casey flinch, and started rubbing soft circles on the frail woman's shoulders, unconsciously trying to diffuse the situation. "Casey, do you trust me to tell you the truth?"

Casey looked through her tears and locked onto Olivia's chocolate brown eyes.

"Yeah, Liv. I trust you." Casey said, and closed her eyes, obviously making the mental preparations to block out anything hurtful.

"Casey, the truth isn't always nice and its not always wrapped up with a tidy bow on it," Olivia reminded gently.

Casey opened her eyes, smiling softly at the odd remark about tidy bows. "So if you tell me the truth, you're going to be brutally honest?"

"That pretty much sums it up."

Casey closed her eyes again, and wiped away her tears before smiling wryly . "In that case, I'm not sure I want to hear it."

Olivia sighed softly and moved up so that she was sitting closer to Casey on the bed. "That's okay, Case. Life takes time to sink in. We can talk about it some other time."

To Olivia's complete surprise, Casey shifted her body so she was resting her head against Olivia's shoulder, already showing the first signs of exhaustion.

After a minute of silence Casey spoke up, though her voice was timid and shaky and her words were slow. "I changed my mind. I want to hear." She squeezed her eyes shut and expelled a breath of air, bracing herself for Olivia's words.

Olivia hesitated for a moment, trying to choose her words carefully so that she didn't sound accusing or judgmental of the younger woman.

"Casey, you've lost so much weight that your body isn't healthy anymore. Everyone in SVU and probably the DA's office too, though I can't vouch for them I am assuming so, has been worried about you. We don't want to lose our good friend. You could weigh eighty million pounds, and we'd still love you just as much, hon. How you look is not a conditional term of acceptance with us."

"But-" Casey interjected, ready to argue about how much weight she still needs to lose.

Olivia smiled softly, and put a finger to Casey's lips, shushing her so that she could continue.

"I know the job is stressful, the world is stressful, but you need to find a better way to deal with your feelings than harming yourself because you can't talk about whatever is going on in your world that bothers you. I worry about you Casey, all the time, because I can only imagine what kind of personal hell you've put yourself through. With all my heart I want to see you get better, get healthier, get that sparkle back into your eyes, but I realize that its not up to me. You're my best friend, Case, I don't want to see my best friend die, but I can't force you to make the choices to stay alive."

Casey's eyes started filling with tears again. Olivia wrapped her arm around the frail woman and held her close. Casey didn't fight the gesture, giving in to the warmth radiating from her friend. Casey closed her eyes, letting the tears spill over.

Casey looked so confused, like her world was a snow globe and someone had shaken it around so everything was topsy-turvy and she had no idea which end was up. She was revealing so much on her face that Olivia could barely imagine what was going on in her mind.

"Liv," Casey started, as she wiped away her tears and reached over for a tissue. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Let's focus on one thing at a time, Case. They should be bringing breakfast by any minute, and you need to eat it. We'll deal with after breakfast once we get to it."

Casey shuddered at the mention of breakfast, and Olivia tried to interpret the frail woman's change in posture. "Casey, I'm not here to stand over you like a sentry guard. It's just breakfast. What you eat is what you eat, what you don't eat is what you don't eat. It's your choice and I'm not in any position to judge you."

Casey nodded slowly, but she had a look of doubt splayed across her face.

"It's your own choice, Casey. I know somewhere, somehow, it is ingrained in your mind that not eating means that you have some significant degree of discipline and self control, but that is shit, Casey. You know it and I know it, and we don't need to debate it because I know that deep down you know its true. It's easier to just believe in bullshit than to challenge it, especially if challenging it opens up the door to make you have to acknowledge that sometimes, for whatever reason, the truths that you force yourself to believe aren't even truths at all."

Olivia looked down and gently brushed away the tearstains on Casey's face.

"Casey, you need to eat to live, and even more than that, you need to eat so that you can be strong enough to beat this thing."

"But…" Casey started, already ashamed of the words she had not yet spoken. Her pale face took on a slight pink as she blushed.

"What is it, hon?" Olivia asked, terrified that Casey was going to tell her that she didn't care and didn't want to live, but she kept her voice steady nonetheless.

"Please don't laugh at me, Olivia, I know this sounds stupid, but I don't know how anymore"

"You don't know how what anymore?" Olivia inquired, concerned but confused.

Casey squirmed slightly and looked at the floor. "I just don't know how normal people eat, I just can't comprehend it. I don't know how people can possibly put food in their mouth without feeling terrified or guilty. I don't know how everyone else manages to eat without gaining weight and ballooning up. I don't know how to make this work. I want to, Liv, but I don't know how to do it, and it sounds so stupid, but I'm afraid."

Trying to hold back a smile at her own relief at what Casey said, Olivia looked down at Casey, who was snuggled up against her own body like a small child, and gently kissed the top of Casey's head.

"Casey, hon, I'm not an expert in this field. I'm a cop; I work long hours, I completely forget about eating until my stomach rumbles when I'm wrapped up in a case. We'll have impromptu pizza at the 1-6 if we're up at 2AM and nobody has had the time to grab dinner yet. When we get busy, I'll scarf down my food so I can get back to work. I think I'm neither normal nor qualified to give you an example of normal in all aspects, but I'm here to help you get through this. When I eat, I'm not worried about how many calories something has. I do try to eat foods from the different food groups when I eat, otherwise I'll find that my energy drains faster than I expect it to. Proteins and fats, they both give me energy with staying power, fruit and carbs can help give me a quicker energy boost. I don't know much about vegetables, but I eat them because I like them and because they're packed with vitamins usually."

"But it's not that easy," Casey argued. "I can't just not think about it."

"You will be able to eventually, Casey. As for me, I just try to make sure that I eat enough to have the energy to do what I need to do in my life. I don't know if I ever eat three square meals in a day. Some days I eat what I can, when I can. Some days are crazy and I've had more coffee and vending machine snacks than anything else, but I shrug it off and let it go. Those days happen. I can't predict them and I probably can't stop them, but I do try to make sure that over the course of a week that I get enough of everything. The only important thing is that you eat enough to keep yourself healthy."

"I just… it's just so difficult, Liv, and I just don't even know what to do anymore. I don't think I even remember what it feels like to be hungry anymore."

"Well, Case, you seem to be pretty good at ignoring what your body needs, and you've probably been doing it for awhile. It'll take time for your body to get back on track and be in synch with your brain."

"But what am I supposed to do now?"

"Somewhere in here, you need to decide to trust people who do know more about nutrition and what your body needs," Olivia responded

"What if I'm the only person who knows what my body needs?" Casey asked, her eyes filling with panic at the thought.

Olivia rested her cheek on the head leaning on her shoulder. "Casey, someday you will be the one who knows your body best. Right now, perhaps you're out of touch. You've probably been doing what you think your body needs, and you're in the ICU because of it. Give it some time, hon. There are people you can trust until its safe for you to trust yourself."

"But I do trust myself," Casey responded adamantly.

"I don't doubt it, Casey, but you need to be able to trust other people too. I know you trust me, but there are so many other people out there that care about you that you can trust. Not just your family and friends, but doctors too. They're all here to help you, Case, not to hurt you."

Casey shrugged, wincing at the pain from the central line in her shoulder.

"Okay," Casey said slowly "so what am I supposed to do when breakfast comes?"

"umm… pick up your fork or spoon and eat the things that are identifiable and edible."

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to eat my own breakfast."

"They don't bring meals for visitors," Casey answered instantly, not missing a beat. Olivia knew that she was looking for a way to duck out of the situation that was going to be unfolding in front of her.

"I know. I stopped at a bagel shop on my way in." Casey glanced over at Olivia's former seat in the corner and noticed for the first time that there was a bottle of juice and a paper sack with the name of a popular bagel shop on the side.

"Someday, you'll be able to eat enough that the doctors don't have to threaten you with medical interventions, but today is today. I'll help you get through it if you'll let me."

At that moment, the orderly walked in and set down Casey's breakfast tray on the table beside her bed.

Casey covered her face with her hands, praying that Olivia didn't see her tears or see her shoulders heave as she sobbed in fear.

Reviews would make me really happy. :)


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